Great/ terrible news! A bicycling accident has crippled U2 frontman Bono, leaving him with a rigid titanium elbow that may prevent him from ever playing guitar again. The 54-year-old suffered multiple injuries, including fractures to his left eye socket, shoulder blade and left elbow, when he crashed his bike in Central Park in November.

Great/ terrible news! A bicycling accident has crippled U2 frontman Bono, leaving him with a rigid titanium elbow that may prevent him from ever playing guitar again. The 54-year-old suffered multiple injuries, including fractures to his left eye socket, shoulder blade and left elbow, when he crashed his bike in Central Park in November.

Doctors called it a "high-energy accident." He really put some back into it, we guess. Nice!

We can't tell from here whether they're tears of sorrow or joy, but either way, you're crying.

… And that's exactly what Bono wants.

Because Bono, if you have or have not noticed, doesn't play guitar in U2.  He just stands up there and goes "AAAAH." We're sure he noodles around in the palatial comfort of his many homes, but as far as his stage job goes, he's not holding anything in his hands but a tiny invisible hammer he uses to slowly chip away at your ear drums.

But that hasn't stopped him from trying to seek sympathy on the internet.

On the band’s website Thursday, Bono said the “recovery has been more difficult than I thought. As I write this, it is not clear that I will ever play guitar again.”

He added that his bandmates – Adam Clayton and Larry Mullen and a man named "The Edge," – “have reminded me that neither they nor Western civilization are depending on this.”

Oh, we don't know about that. In fact, we're pretty sure the only thing that can stop the spread of Ebola and communism and ISIS is the spine-snapping sound of "UNO, DOS, TRES, CATORCE" being blasted through hidden community speakers on every city block, only because it would keep people inside.

He continued on the sympathy hunt by making some sexually-charged follow-up statements.

“I personally would very much miss fingering the frets of my green Irish falcon or my … Gretsch. Just for the pleasure, aside from writing tunes. But then does the Edge, or Jimmy Page, or any guitarist you know have a titanium elbow, as I do now?”

Ugh.

No, Bono, we do not know anyone with a titanium elbow, but that's probably just a sign you should quit while you're ahead. And stop comparing yourself to Jimmy Page.

Bono also said he hasn’t “been able to move around physically” since the accident, and would “have to concentrate hard” to be ready for a U2 tour due to start in May. That's good Bono. Real good. You just stay right where you are and heal for the next 47 years or however long it take our hearing to slowly deteriorate.

In early December the band announced its 2015 tour dates, but mercifully did not include a Denver show.

It's just too bad doctors can't insert a new elbow into his arm like he inserted a new album into our iTunes. But if there's any good to come out of this situation, it's the following joke …

What has seven arms and sucks?

U2!

Your'e welcome!