Boulder County Jogger Attacked By Cows

A man jogging in Boulder County was attacked by a shitload of cows the other day, once again reminding us all that crime in Boulder remains at unprecedented levels since Colorado’s legalization of marijuana.

According to an article from KDVR, the dude was running down Meadowlark Trail when he was besieged by a bovine gang consisting of more than a dozen cows.

Before we get into it and you start drafting an email, “more than a dozen” certainly constitutes a metric shitload, at least in terms of being attacked. If we told you we were ripped apart by more than a dozen chimpanzees, you’d probably be like “Damn, that’s a shitload of chimpanzees.”

Allegedly, between 15 and 20 cows stomped the man, who was later taken to the hospital and released. Whether the gang of cows surrounded the man and then attempted to brand him by searing his left ass cheek remains unknown, but we’ve heard reports of certain cows throwing up Blue Bell gang signs with their hooves.


Nazi Attempts to Start Nazi Community in Cotopaxi, Gets Arrested

A self-proclaimed white supremacist has been arrested on weapon charges after trying to establish a “white private community” in the small town of Cotopaxi, Colorado. It’s funny, we always thought that “white private community” was just what you called the housing market in Douglas County. An article from CBSNews explains that Chad Edward Keith, 41, was held in federal detention and had 11 guns seized after he tried to start a nazi fraternity on his little parcel of land outside Cotopaxi. The article said that Keith was a “self-proclaimed white supremacist,” but we’ll save you six syllables and just call the fucker what he is: a nazi. Keith allegedly had several bunkers on his 2.6 acre parcel, but we’ll be honest, if you’ve ever tried to start a commune in the woods or liberate oppressed Latin American countries through tactical guerilla warfare, you’ll know that 2.6 acres and 11 guns are downright laughable figures.


The Japanese Workforce is Hiring Companies to Quit Their Jobs For Them

Japanese workers are paying companies to quit their jobs for them to save them the guilt trip and shame that comes with quitting a job.

Before we hammer out the details, let’s just say: we’re pretty bewildered too. Some of the most rewarding and fulfilling days of our lives have been the last day of a job when we’ve told a former boss to proverbially suck it. To not only deny ourselves the satisfaction of that exchange, but to also pay a company to have that fun for us seems like a downright travesty.

However, it appears that Japanese workers have more self-respect or shame than us, as they’d rather pay 20,000 yen, or $144, to a company like Exit, which will contact the client’s employer to inform them that their employee is officially Audi 5000. Do people still say that? Back in middle school we used it all the time to announce our impending departure, but we live in a world where people pay companies to quit their jobs for them, so we’re not even sure what’s real anymore.


NYC Sues Hyundai and Kia, Alleging Cars are “Easy to Steal”

New York City is suing South Korean car manufacturers Hyundai and Kia, alleging that the car company has created a public nuisance because their cars are too easy to steal.

Personally, we always thought that actual theft was probably worse than creating a product that’s easy to steal, but we’ll make sure to point this out to Walmart the next time we get busted for replacing a case of beer with a bag of potting soil at the self checkout.

Essentially, a TikTok challenge back in 2021 showed the entire internet how to steal Hyundai and Kia cars using a USB cable (and if you’re familiar with the worldwide web, you’re probably well aware that it’s usually a bad idea to show the internet literally anything).

After the TikToks went viral, areas like Chicago and Los Angeles saw a massive increase in car thefts, with NYC eventually accusing the two companies of enabling “this spiraling epidemic” of car thefts. This caused stock prices of both companies to fall, and while we personally don’t know anyone our age with enough spare income to invest in the stock market, our step dad seemed pretty upset about it.