In an America tarnished by fiscal depression, one industry and one industry alone is skyrocketing above the rest, giving hope to the economy and men with erectile dysfunction nationwide. Yes, we're talking about 'breastaurants,' and they're doing way, way better than boobless restaurants.

In an America tarnished by fiscal depression, one industry and one industry alone is skyrocketing above the rest, giving hope to the economy and men with erectile dysfunction nationwide. Yes, we're talking about 'breastaurants,' and they're doing way, way better than boobless restaurants.

Because you can get food poisoning from food, but you can't get boob poisoning from boobs.

Sales at breastaurants like the Tilted Kilt, Twin Peaks and Brick House have increased at double-digit pace over the last year, according to projections from Technomic, a food market research firm. At the same time, sales limped along like a penis after a whiskey tasting at most big restaurant chains like Olive Garden and TGI Friday's.

Most of these breastaurants take inspiration from Hooters, the 300 million year old chain known for waitress with back problems and booty shorts. But today's cleavage chains have updated the Hooter's concept with fresher, younger looking interiors and menus designed to please an increasingly foodie-oriented populace.  Some of these even claim to have craft beers and "artisanal food," which we can only imagine means the Sausage Mushroom Tombstone pizza.

Twin Peaks, dubbed the foodie’s breastaurant by itself, even claims to make all of its dishes from scratch — no frozen wings. The menu, which is "locally sourced" (from where, the Northern Hemisphere?) features sophisticated twists on classic bar food like venison chili, blackened fish tacos and wings with an optional topping of green chili parmesan sauce. Aww that's cute. They're trying to pretend people go there for more than the bazongas.

“Men are simple creatures and so you don’t have to get too crazy to get them in the door,” said Kristen Colby, the chain’s senior director of marketing, adding that "All it takes is an ice cold beer, sports on TV and beautiful girls." Whoa, shocker!

“We know we're not for everybody and that’s okay,” she said, referring to the 50% of the population who would not like a side of breasts with their Ranchero Style Shrimp Fajitas and shit.

The woman does have a point though: the surest way to make tons of money even in a recession is to cater to a specific group of people with dependable interests, which in this case are hunger and sex, two things you die without. When you look at it that way, men can't afford to not eat at breastaurants.

On the other hand,  casual dining chains have struggled in part because they’re trying to be all things to all people.

Restaurant chains with clothed servers have been struggling since the Great Recession began because they can't figure out how to market themselves to people who have less money to dine out. Restaurants like Olive Garden, Applebee's and TGI Fridays just try too hard. At places like Hooters and the Titled Kilt, no one has to try. They're just unapologetically places where you get breasts with that chicken breast. People will even endure the shitty food at breastaurants because they're getting something extra; same reason why Casa Bonita still exists. But with modest chain restaurants, there is no "extra." There's just shitty food and sad posters of baseball stars from 1957 and the inevitable appetizer tray with potato skins.

All over America, restaurants like Bennigan's and Ruby Tuesday are abandoning their locations because of absent interest and empty wallets. But the minute they leave, Tilted Kilt, Twin Peaks and Hooters sign the lease, revamp the spaces and hire the prettiest teen moms in all the land.

Before you know it, boob businesses will replace all forms of regular business, and hopefully one day, we'll even see the day where we can watch the game at a place called Testicle Tom's, a place that literally tea-bags everything you drink at eat. That's that something "extra" we crave.