You can put makeup on shit but it's still shit …
When the head honchos at AB InBev aren’t plotting their next move in conquering this space rock, or disrupting the distribution of small-time crafter breweries, they’re apparently dreaming of new cans for their little precious. Because, when it comes to sales, it’s not the beer, it’s the can that matters. Good thing they’ve got a can-guy and he’s all over it.
After a 14-year absence, AB InBev has decided to bring back the "AB" crest, a bro-y coat-of-arms that’s designed to fool millennial-type people into thinking Bud Light is craft beer because it’s like, ornate or something. Although, we're pretty sure regardless how "craft" the new logo looks, once a poor fool cracks open a can of Bud Light, they'll realize the fatal error they've made pretty quickly … They’ve also decided to eliminate the color red too, to downplay the extreme patriotism of the former palette because nothing screams ‘America!!!’ like a multinational corporation based in Belgium, and there’s nothing millennials hate more than their country. But don’t worry yourselves; while the outer crust is a newfangled faux-craft Ponzi scheme, it’s the still the same exact flavorless Bud Light goop on the inside.
Aside from making their product look like something it’s not, AB InBev also has plans to unveiling a new tagline in 2016. Hopefully it’s better than their previous all-out rapey sounding slogan: “The perfect beer for removing ‘No’ from your vocabulary for the night.”
Why the sudden drastic change? When it comes to sales, Bud Light is still #1 beer in the country, thanks to stepdads and VFW halls around the country. However, with growing competition from numerous craft breweries, the beer behemoth’s sales have trended downward in the past few years. Well, and as the saying goes: ‘If you can’t beat ‘em, sort of look like ‘em and taste like diluted smegma …’
In a statement, InBev's CEO, Carlos Brito, explains: "We believe in brands that are well-managed and brands that could be better managed. And Bud Light is one of those that could be better managed, and that's what we have for next year."
So what you’re saying, Carlos, is that Bud Light itself could be better, in the sense that currently it’s disgusting …