And you think your life is fucked up …

Here's the thing: Dogs are inarguably a person's best friend. They wait for you at the door to come home, shower you with unconditional affection whenever you need it and often stick to your heels like any ride or die companion should. As sentient, morally compassed beings, we should offer up the same devotion towards them whenever we can, too. It's kind and just.

But humans shouldn't be fucking dogs. (We can't really believe we actually had to type that sentence just now.)

Miranda Johns, 21, of — you guessed it — Naples, Florida, doesn't get this concept. She was recently booked and released on a $6,000 bond after her boyfriend released videos to the police showing her having … er … relations with the family pets.

As it turns out, the boyfriend, Kurtz Villavicencio, 30, was speaking to police for an investigation into whether or not he had sexually assaulted Johns, a charge he vehemently denies (which is a fucked up situation in its own right one way or another). 

After handing over his phone to the police, he offered up video proof of Johns' … indiscretions, that he had saved to his albums to prove he hadn't physically assaulted her. Police say dirty things were going on and damnit is this story over yet?

So, yuck, this all sounds like a twisted situation, one we'd like to get as far away from as possible — we're going to go ahead and just leave this here and go shower. We're done …