Champagne Recalled Due To Containing Ecstasy
It has to come from the Ecstatic section of France, otherwise it’s just MDMA.
Bottles of champagne that we can’t afford are being recalled all across the European Union, and it’s not due to the reasons you’d think.
Unless you thought “Hey, maybe they’re recalling all of those champagne bottles because some kid at the champagne factory dumped a metric shitton of molly into them,” in which case you’re absolutely right and we’d even go as far as to assume that you read the headline.
According to the Times of Malta, bottles of Moët & Chandon champagne are being recalled after it’s believed the bottles were tampered with, and by “tampered with” we mean “completely emptied of champagne and filled with pure liquid MDMA.”
We’d like to keep this lighthearted, and tell you that the issue was brought to attention after a fancy dinner party turned into a techno-fueled affair filled to the brim with glow sticks, fishnets and pacifiers.
Unfortunately, the spiked bottles were discovered after a 52-year-old man died in Germany with 11 other people falling ill in some varying degree, with German police investigating the incident as a negligent homicide.
The Netherlands Food and Consumer Product Safety Authority (NVWA) added that in addition to seven cases of illness in Germany, there were four cases of illness in the Netherlands.
Unfortunately, symptoms of this “illness” are never described, so you’re doomed to go the rest of your day wondering if the person had a hellish drug experience or simply hugged a lot of people and got a little sweaty.
The bottle of champagne sells for around $440 or around 400 euros, which would normally be a steal for three liters of MDMA if unaware consumers weren’t continuously overdosing on it.
The bottle that allegedly killed the German man was said to contain as much as 100 grams of ecstasy, with the average dose of ecstasy typically being around 75 to 100 milligrams. If you grasp basic math or know what the metric system is, you’d know that these tainted champagne bottles allegedly contain 1,000 times the normal ecstasy dosage for a night on the town.
Look, we like drugs as much as the next guy, but there’s not a soul alive who would benefit from three liters of liquid ecstasy.