Nick’s Organic Ass Association  The National Oceanic & Atmospheric Association has remeasured Colorado’s 14ers, meaning all of your cardboard signs are essentially worthless. The NOAA, as we like to call it, found that on average the 14ers heights are currently reported one meter (or 39 inches in American terms) too high.

Unfortunately for me and my sick sense of pleasure, none of the currently listed 14ers dropped to be considered a 13er. There was however a reshuffling of the deck and Huron Peak swapped with Sunshine as the most beta of the 14ers at 14,004.1 ft.

It’s worth noting as well that no peaks were moved UP to the 14er ranking. That means Grizzly Peak A (is there a B???) and Sunlight Spire are still listed as 13ers, despite the fact that after some quick google searches, many sad souls have posted about them tEcHnIcAlLy bEiNg 14eRs.

As an aside, could you image …. Waking up at 2 am to WASTE a beautiful Saturday morning hiking a mountain that isn’t considered a 14er, then having to continually argue to your hiking friends that it’s ‘technically a 14er’ if you count the fact that you jumped 5 feet in the air (or whatever they say). You hate to see it.

This measurement has many people in the hiking community wondering, what was the reason for the drop in height? And sure, it could just be they were measured too high in 1988, when technology was so primitive that they had to drag a tape measure up the mountain… But who’s to say it’s not because so many shitheads have left their dog poop bags on the trails and it’s weighing down the mountain. And it hasn’t even been that cold of a winter, so there goes that excuse.

Now you may be wondering, why does this guy hate hiking so much? To that I say, am I truly a hater, or am I just jealous of all you hikers’ calf muscles and upset over the fact that my ex-girlfriend left me for a guy who has hiked 30 of them while I can’t even walk up 4 flights of stairs without getting slightly winded? We may never know.

Regardless, I look forward to the day that the fringe fourteens are removed from the list and people have to change the fact that they’ve hiked ’58 14ers’, essentially something they’ve based their whole personalities around.

And if you need to find me in the summertime, I’ll be busy sleeping in on Saturdays and then briefly consider hiking Eldorado Canyon before just hanging by the pool.

Happy hiking, folks.

Nick Ellis is a Denver based standup comedian and writer. Follow him on instagram at @ellisnd so you can be friends.