Businesses across the world are getting rid of drug tests due to an employee shortage, and you know what that means: People like us can finally get our dream job of working at Amazon.

A survey from the staffing firm ManpowerGroup explained that approximately 9% of worldwide employers are dropping drug screenings in an effort to gain workers.

The news comes in light of the rest of the world realizing that, if a person is going to make spreadsheets or run a cash register for the rest of their life, they should probably be stoned for it.

Employers across the world are having difficulty finding workers, according to the survey, adding that the rate of companies having employment troubles is some 69%.


The news comes after Amazon announced in June that it would not longer be testing for marijuana in its drug screening program.

According to Amazon CEO Worldwide Consumer Dave Clark, the decision is part of Amazon’s “vision to be Earth’s Best Employer,” and that doesn’t even need a comedic zinger at the end of it. That shit’s hilarious on its own.

Shortly after the survey was published, Amazon announced that it would support the Cannabis Administration and Opportunity Act, essentially lobbying congress to legalize weed.

Amazon Senior VP of Human Resources wrote in a post that the company made the changes due to the amount of states legalizing cannabis and how the company needs to expand the number of people who apply for jobs given Amazon’s growth.

Which is a pretty messed up way to say “We don’t have enough people to work for our capitalistic empire, and, given our plans for immediate future world domination, we’ve decided to let Cannabis users in.” 

We know what you’re thinking. Seems a little outlandish, right? Not when you think about it.

You see, it’s likely companies like Amazon are just beginning to realize the increased capitalistic labor output of employees who are microdosing psychedelics. 

If we had to guess, it won’t be long before draconian Amazon overseers are force-feeding their employees tenths of a hit of LSD-25 in addition to supplying them Gatorade bottles in the off chance the employees need to relieve themselves on the job.

If you or a loved one have a prospective drug screening for a job coming up, remember that help does exist.

For instance, a urinalysis can be beat by a variety of products on the market. If you have a follicle or blood test approaching, perhaps you could just scalp a sober person?

Unfortunately, those in trouble with the law may find their urinalysis under close inspection. If that’s the case, consider using fake genitals to stick it to the man.

Remember kids, the things you choose to recreationally put into your nose, arms, lungs or butt on your own time aren’t of any concern to your employer. Fight the power. Do the right thing. Use drugs safely, and enjoy spending the best years of your life barely scraping by for too small of an apartment while you contribute to the American economy.