Somewhere, a bald eagle is breaking its neck on the cold storefront window of Papa John's.
Sad news today, as it looks like the rampant corruption present in higher government has trickled down and sullied the future leaders of our nation with the putrid juices of depravity.
This week, two of the winning presidential candidates of CU Boulder's student government elections (there are always three) have been disgraced and will not be allowed to take office after allegations surfaced that they used bribes of delicious pizzas to gain votes.
Apparently these two dirty politicians even offered other circular food items like cookies and cake to anyone willing to elect them. It's unclear how many poor souls accepted the munchie bribe, but their innocent participation in the dark art of political payola probably tasted super chill.
No word as to what kind of pizza was used in the bribe, but it's safe to say it wasn't Little Caesar's or we wouldn't be having this conversation.
Or shit, maybe we would. We don't know you.
The Daily Camera reports that the two students have been booted from the ballot for violating the school's sacred, no-pizza campaign rules. The third student who was rightfully elected sans cheesy bread will take office in May, and he alone shall drive the scourge of Italian food from the student body in order to purify it. This is the first time in over a hundred years that winners have had their votes pulled and seats vacated.
CU Chancellor Phil DiStefano will review the student election process that led to the disqualification.
The CU student government oversees roughly $23 million in student fees, so it's very important that the right people are elected to the right positions.
Although, shelling out $23 million in bribe pizza is not a bad way to spend tuition money if you ask us.
Speaking of which: where does all our tax money go? … What is the government not telling us!?
… FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON PIZZA PARTY, THE FICTIONAL TV SHOW WE JUST MADE UP ABOUT A POLITICAL PARTY FOR PIZZA …
Photo cred: Getty Images