"Hey honey, you know what sounds like fun? Spending four grand to hangout on a boat for six nights with 1,300 other insufferable dumbasses. Oh, and maybe we'll contract Norovirus!"

Cruises are the dumbest shit in the world. How is a cruise a vacation? Are you really such a boring person that spending a month's salary to hang-out with thousands of strangers in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean for a week sounds like a vacation? How is that relaxing? 

For real, whose ideal vacation involves sleeping in claustrophobic little "cabins" with no windows and walls made of steel? That's how people on death row spend their days. That is not how vacationing adults are supposed to spend their time away from the cubicle hell-hole that they call their career.

Oh yeah, and you have to pay $20 for a fucking margarita. Because that's just how it goes and if you are caught bringing your own booze on board you're forced to walk the plank and fed to the sharks or something. What a great vacation!

It seems like every month there's an outbreak of some nuerotoxin or stomach parasite on a cruise ship, yet people still go on these fucking things. Wouldn't you be surprised to learn that exact thing is happening right now? 

In the latest cruise ship outbreak, 260 people have contracted Norovirus on a 34-day cruise from "Old England to New England." Norovirus is an extremely contagious stomach virus that causes severe diarrhea and vomiting. Which is the perfect accompaniment to a vacation. Obviously. Everyone's goal is to have fire-hose velocity diarrhea on their week out of the office. It's so fun! 

The outbreak is happening on the Fred Olsen cruise line Balmoral. Apparently Balmoral is the family name of some Scottish royal family back in the day but given the ship's track record, the ship should just be named Bowel Movement

This 260 person outbreak is the fourth time this has happened on Balmoral. There was a Norovirus outbreak on the ship last year, then back in 2010 there was another outbreak that affected 310 people, and in 2009 over 100 people contracted the virus. This ship is shit. 

Of course these facts raise two very obvious questions:

1:)  Who the hell decides it's a good idea to go on this obviously diarrhea cursed boat? 


A 34-day cruise is not a vacation that is prison sentence. What a way to waste a month of your life. How many times can you possibly play shuffleboard with those snowbirds from Boca Raton before you throw yourself overboard? Like really, I want to know. I bet its less than ten times. 

Given the severity of this Norovirus outbreak, the CDC has gotten involved and are doing all they can to combat the never-ending storm of puke and diarrhea. This means they're collecting stool samples from passengers. That’s disgusting. The conversation for that must go something like, “I know you’re on vacation and all but I’m going to need you to poop in this cup.”

It took the Pilgrims 66-days to get to American on the Mayflower and that was in 1620. Plus they were escaping religious persecution. There is no need to recreate that trip in the slowest way possible. I could probably kayak from England to New England in 34-days. 

In 2016, there are far better ways to spend 34-days of your life. You know, like you could actually go immerse yourself in a country you've never been to for 34-days and learn about its culture and people. Or, you could chew on rocks non-stop for 34-days. Really anything is better than spending 34-days on a cruise ship that gives you Norovirus. Basically, cruises are the worst. 

Photo: ABC