The government is stupid; let's just get that out of the way first.

Every single branch of it seems to always be light years behind what's actually happening in the real world, which is both hilarious and absolutely frightening at the same time.

Like with the rave culture in the late '90s? What a great time to be alive. It was arguably the last pure, unadulterated period in music's history — far removed from branding opportunities and corporate interests. But the DEA had no bleeping idea what to do with it.

In researching Alexander “Sasha” Shulgin, the "Grandfather of Ecstasy," Muckrock also uncovered the DEA's official guide to ravers. It puts every single dad joke to shame.

Take for instance the fact that …

But what about the guard dogs? We need to know about the guard dogs …

But tell us, expert, what exactly is a raver?

What about any super powers? Do ravers have any super powers?! 

Hell yeah, "enhances sense of sight" … 

Because it gives you wiiiiiiiings ….

Honestly, if the government really wanted to know everything about ravers and their young culture, they could have just asked this guy. He is everything:

If you're really bored, you can flip through the multi-hundreds or so pages of the whole asinine report below. Remember: someone got paid a lot of tax payer's money to make this thing.

[cover photo: EDM Exclusives]