ISIS is very hard to pin down and stop, being that they're a diasporic network of thousands living off the grid in the Middle Eastern underground … But that sure as balls doesn't mean a redneck American hunting gear company called "Tactical Shit" isn't going to try! They're selling what they call "ISIS Hunting Kits," which appear to be marketed towards people who have never used a weapon in their lives. All so you can do your part as an American and fight the good fight at the suburban Boise Macy's or wherever the fuck you think ISIS is.

ISIS is very hard to pin down and stop, being that they're a diasporic network of thousands living off the grid in the Middle Eastern underground … But that sure as balls doesn't mean a redneck American hunting gear company called "Tactical Shit" isn't going to try! They're selling what they call "ISIS Hunting Kits," which appear to be marketed towards people who have never used a weapon in their lives. All so you can do your part as an American and fight the good fight at the suburban Boise Macy's or wherever the fuck you think ISIS is.

The ISIS Hunting kits are jam-packed with everything you need to fight terrorism on home turf: a rapid assault plate carrier, amour plate, helmet, three mag pouches, hat, gloves, and special "morale" patch that reads "Go Fuck Yourself." The hat is crucial; without it, ISIS would sense your imminent predation and scurry off into the brush.

What? No anti-beheading sutures or steel neck braces? Amateur.

The kit comes in the color options of black, green, and two desert colors titled “Coyote” and “Shellback Tactical Banshee," which we're really hoping is red, white and blue glitter see-through plastic.

All the kits are sold at an average of $215.

According to Tactical Shit,  the ISIS Hunting Kits were made to help “patriots” with “limited military experience” arm themselves in case of an ISIS attack. Fueled by the fear that ISIS has already infiltrated the American border and is laying in wait while they plot an attack, Tactical Shit decided every man, woman, and child should be able to have the tools they need to fight back. The "Go Fuck Yourself" being the most crucial.

"Many Patriots without military or law enforcement experience have been asking for help in building their kit. This bundle makes it easy, just in time for hunting season," says their site.

What? Since when does ISIS have a hunting season? And why is it the most gentle-sounding season: late-autumn?

Okay, look. No American civilian without any fighting experience should be running around looking for ISIS, stroking their urban-vigilante boners and making believe they're the only thing that stands between ISIS and their takeover of America. Sure, ISIS members may be hiding in plain among us, but so are pedophiles. And serial killers. And people who had to register as sex offenders because they went streaking in college to impress their friends who weren't even that impressed. There are dangerous people among us at all times, but making it your "patriotic" mission to seek them out when you have no experience doing so, and can't tell dangerous people from innocent ones, pretty much just means you have nothing more intelligent to do.

But regardless of our completely rational analysis of the hunting kits, many Americans are into the idea. T.J. Kirgin, the marketing strategist of Tactical Shit, says they’ve been selling about 10-20 kits per week … which  means there's probably about a hundred-ish people running around with backpacks and and hats trying to fight everyone with a tan … or every teenage girl with a one-way ticket to Syria.

But Tactical Shit's crusade of patriotism doesn't stop with their ISIS hunting kits. They make many other novelties aside from gear and weaponry to suit your sartorial needs. Need a t-shirt that says “I Love Guns and Titties" Done. In the market for a badge with a slogan like “Pork Eating Crusader?” Look no further. Craving a bottle of gun oil called “Liberal Tears?" Well step right up, son! 

If that wasn't enough conservative comic relief for your ass, they also make two incredibly offensive joke products that "OH HELL NO" in "politically incorrect." The first is "Ode de Goat’s Ass," and the other is ISIS duck calls, which go "durkadurkadurka."  If both are used together, a clean kill to an ISIS terrorist is guaranteed.

Holy fuck Americans!

Well, while we might be losing the battle to ISIS in the Middle Easy and Syria, we're definitely winning the battle of terrible ISIS jokes. And that's enough to keep our bald eagles flying free at least until Independence Day when we can explode our trailers with no more justification than the impassioned cry of "'MERIKA!"