As you shed layers and the summer sun approaches, you may start to notice the new addition your friend beer left you this winter. The bulging belly sitting where your abs used to be, although useful insulation during cold days, is begging to get its ass kicked this summer. Nobody likes being the newly anointed fat kid come summer, so prepare yourself to out-skinny the skinnies, and follow one (or all, if you’re seriously struggling) of these beer-belly burning tips so you look somewhat acceptable come beach time. —Phil Thurner
1. Stop Drinking Beer
Although obviously the worst of all beer-belly destroying methods, taking a hiatus from the calorie-engorged drink is usually quite effective. While it’s understood asking a human to cut down on beer consumption is similar to requesting a vampire cut down on blood sucking, depending on how much your belly protrudes and how much you pride yourself on that theoretical six-pack, it may just be worth it to choose a more six-pack-friendly alcoholic beverage.
2. The Ab Belt
For those too far into alcoholism to quit beer and too lazy to actively pursue a beer-belly terminator, modern “science” has come up with the perfect solution: The Ab Belt. Hate doing sit-ups, running, getting up off the couch or exerting yourself in any way, shape or form? Well, The Ab Belt does for your abs what the Shake Weight does for your masturbation muscles: rock hard, baby. The best part is you can be drinking beer, smoking weed and/or doing whatever it is you do on your couch while this hands-free miracle of a device rids you of evidence of your drinking problem.
Another solution for the ultra lethargic is the sauna. Get this, all you have to do is enter a giant wooden box, turn the heat on high, take of all of your clothes, sit and sweat. Really? Could it be any easier? The longer you can sit in the sauna, the more grossness you exterminate. That mass exodus of grossness, being directly linked to your beer belly, means all you need is to bide your time until, violà! All you’ll have to worry about come summer is paying for a smaller bathing suit.
Perhaps the most worthy, if not realistic, method for disintegrating a stubborn beer belly is having wild, crazy, monkey sex at all times of the day and night. Best done with a partner(s), these heart-pumping, scream-inducing, rabid (but ideally not rapid) romps will whip you into shape. Finding a partner(s) may be difficult because of your beer-belly condition, so just look for someone with a similar condition, and you can help each other out while simultaneously lowering your standards.
Although clinical trials have proven a direct correlation between a fondness for beer and a hatred of running, try breaking the mold, and start a running regimen. Whether in the morning, afternoon or night, running will quickly and efficiently zap away your bouncing pouch. Just make sure you’re definition of running qualifies. Speed walking or “running” at a slug-slow pace is not productive. No one said running wasn’t supposed to hurt, so get out there and embrace the pain your winter beer follies caused. Yeah, we know, not as fun as that sex option.
When in doubt, blame your genes, a.k.a. your parents. Drank too much beer and developed a natural forward-facing fanny pack? Curse dad for not passing on a higher metabolic rate. Plus, nothing gets girls into bed faster than daddy issues, and we all know how good sex is at getting rid of beer bellies. If all else fails, it’s been said some super secret German company has started doing gene therapy for situations such as this. Get on it.
Eat less. Yes? OK. Done and done. In all seriousness, just cut the processed crap — think anything with more than two ingredients on the list, including your white-chocolate mocha, bagels/breads, sugary rum and Cokes, cheese fries, etc. — for a month, and you’ll see a difference.
You Failed. Now What?
For those who can’t shed their beer bellies before they shed their shirts this summer, the next best option is to suck it in. Beer bellies are fickle beings that have a tendency to show themselves more clearly when you’re not paying them their due attention. Attempt to keep your bloated belly toned at all times (especially while seated) or just spend most of your time on your back. If you can’t even suck it in, then you probably don’t have a beer belly; you’re just fat. Get over it, enjoy your beer and keep your shirt on.