That yapping teacup poodle is no seeing eye dog …

On the bus. At the bar. At the dentist’s office. Adorably shitting on your shoe on the plane. It doesn’t matter where in Colorado you are, we’ve all been in this situation: some entitled individual wants to bring their pet along with them and justifies the move by simply pulling the “service animal” card. That teacup poodle or iguana-on-a-leash is no service animal, and that owner ought to be ashamed of themselves. Being mendacious about the service animal ordinance is a slap in the face to people with legitimate disabilities who depend on actual service animals.

That’s why Colorado Senator Linda Newell and Representative Daniel Kagan will be presenting legislation that would make misrepresenting a pet as a “service animal” a crime in the state of Colorado.

The legislative move was inspired by a Fox Denver investigation that found several businesses around town selling not only service animal vests, but also service animal certifications for a fee. Individuals did not need to present any proof of disability to receive a permit.

A separate investigation also accuses a licensed Colorado counselor, Stanford Scott Sutherland, of declaring individuals he had never even met with as “mentally disabled” to allow them to fly with their beloved pets as “emotional support animals.” Unlike other carry-on pets these animals can fly free of charge. And while carry-on pet situation is certainly deplorable and traumatic for animals, pet owners who are faking their disabilities or service animals should also be aware of the deplorable and traumatic conditions their pets sometimes create for the people around them on the plane. Subjecting your fellow passengers to your pet’s bowel movements, yaps, meows, grunts and squawks is one thing if you have a legitimate reason to, but when you do it just so you don’t have to pay the carry-on pet fee … you’re kind of an asshole.

At the moment, Sutherland’s license is under investigation by the Colorado Department of Regulatory for potentially violating state ethical standards.

The bill is on schedule to be presented at the capitol today. If the measure is passed, individuals caught misrepresenting their pets as service animals may be looking at various misdemeanor charges potentially combined with a $350 fine. The cost increases with each violation. The fine is raised to $600 for second offense and a third offense will set individuals back a cool grand.

Look, we all have pets. Our entire office is full of people’s dogs. We know what it’s like to not want to part with them, or how sad it is to leave them at home when you go off to get your butthole bleached. But if you’re not prepared for that, for the occasional painful separation, you shouldn’t own a pet. Or at the very least, you should have a couple of people on hand who can watch them and give them love while you’re away from home. Don’t make it harder for people with actual disabilities and actual service animals by taking advantage of laws made specifically for them just because your dog shits in your bed every time you leave it home alone.