For the Rooster staff, foresight is 20/20 when you’ve been tricked by your friend Jack Daniels into believing in your own clairvoyance. But while whiskey usually wears off the next day, the truth behind these solid predictions won’t. You can bet your bottom dollar these will all be coming true in 2015.

For the Rooster staff, foresight is 20/20 when you’ve been tricked by your friend Jack Daniels into believing in your own clairvoyance. But while whiskey usually wears off the next day, the truth behind these solid predictions won’t. You can bet your bottom dollar these will all be coming true in 2015.

1. U2 will bypass your iTunes and upload their next album straight to your cerebral cortex.

To remove the tuneless warbling of Ireland’s least favorite export, unhappy users can either purchase the album or resort to self-decapitation. Millions of lives will be lost. Start a non-profit for that, Bono.

2. Denver will become the most expensive city in all the land.

However, Denver’s booming population and economy will transform it into the next New York or L.A., making it the premier destination if you’re a Guatemalan runaway or looking to make it big on the silver screen.

3. Psychedelic drugs will be used to treat anxiety and depression.

It will be a hotly debated issue, but ultimately, lawmakers will deem the treatment unfit for medical intervention anywhere else but in May of 1998, which you’ll find exceedingly hard to return to. The government will shrug off your complaints; they passed the law, now you have to accept the terms.

4. Climate change influenced sea-level rise will swallow the coastal cities of Miami, Los Angeles, New York City and … Littleton, Colorado.

No one ever said Mother Nature wasn’t selective, or dealing with menopause right now. Could you please just turn down the heat? She’s having a hot flash.

5. Your first meal of 2015 will set the tone for the rest of the year.

It’ll consist of one Stouffer’s salisbury steak TV dinner (with real beef) and a non-judgemental Miller Lite that shows you more warmth than your Dad ever did. Your body will reject it, but you’re used to that. Thanks, Dad.

6. The Super Bowl halftime show will go a little off the rails.

It’ll feature Beyonce, Jay Z, a Charles Dickens hologram, 700 dancing salamis and the Harlem Globetrotters doing impressions of abstract subject matter like “phosphorescence” and “regret.” When it’s over, you’ll be all, “ …who?” Ha ha, nice.

7. Tilda Swinton will play the late Robin Williams in a sweeping biopic.

Mostly because she can do anything (have you even seen her?) and they both have short hair, so that takes care of that. With CGI wizardry, Michael Keaton will be a shoo-in to play young Robin. The government will investigate corpse-reanimation technology to bring the real Williams back for the sequel, only to have the entire project spiral out of control and launch the zombie apocalypse.

8. A bird will (finally) poop on your head.

Even though you’ve made it through 24 years without experiencing the warm splat of avian feces on your collar bone, you will not make it through 25. You’ll hope that this incident resets the bird feces counter and then whisper a silent prayer that you can make it another quarter century without any contact with flying poo-poo.


9. Unless you forward this email chain …

… about a boy who loved a girl too much before midnight tonight, your crush will stop liking you and a thousand Croatian children go to bed without having any dinner. 

10. Drones will be your only friends.

Drones and Apple Pay. You’ll wish it was Apple Pie, but it’s not. It’s Apple’s paperless currency, and if you thought it was incapable of friendship, you’re wrong. You’ll see.

11. You will not keep up with your New Year’s resolutions.

Except for the one to continue breathing air in order to sustain whatever life the cold drudgery of winter hasn’t sucked out of you. You will develop a new hobby.

12. Jon Stewart will cease to become the most internet-ed about guy ever.

There’s a new viral sensation in town, and it’s called “vigorously preparing for the apocalypse by learning to hunt and distill water from human urine.” Yeah, that whole zombie plague thing will be a real downer.

13. A super-disease will “accidently” leak from a secret lab somewhere in Switzerland.

People start experiencing symptoms including vomiting, drinking PBR, involuntary twitching and shouting off-color jokes to strangers. After 50 percent of the earth’s population disappears, we’ll find out everyone just moved back in with their mom. Fucking economy.

14. You’ll finally regret the kissy-lips you got tattooed on your ass when you were 18.

It was cute and a fun surprise when you woke up hungover the following morn’, but with climate change ravaging the world, shorts will continue to get shorter and that pucker is starting to frown.

15. You’ll never be disappointed by the Broncos again.

Peyton Manning will say, “Fuck this shit, I’m done hut-hut-hiking,” and he’ll retire from the f-ball game, going on to make the greatest and most-funded-by-marijuana-dollars pizza chain of all time. John Elway, distraught beyond consolation, cuts the entire Broncos team and replaces them with your brother’s little league team. “They’ve got moxy,” he says. But, since most of of the new team is either in time out or has no teeth, there’s no team. No team, no disappointment.

16. The ascendance of octopus up the culinary trend ladder will spur a skyrocketing demand for edible cephalopod.

This will cause a food-chain disruption that leaves nothing but sharks — massive, massive sharks, and they’re all wearing sunglasses for some reason — to play with you when you visit the ocean. Couple this with shoreline reduction and sea level rise, and it’s not looking too good for your “shark-free Colorado homestead.” Surf’s up!

17. We will finally … finally be told what’s under Denver International Airport.

It’s … a Jo-Ann Fabric and Craft Store? God help us all … although, now that you think of it, their extensive quilt selection is attractive, especially given the abrupt disappearance of your familiars in the aforementioned zombie plague/disease thing. You’ll quilt yourself a new life, you’ll see.

18. You will sign up for Obamacare.

Actually, that’s not so much of a prediction as a federal mandate now that you’re too old and too fat to stay on your parent’s insurance plan, punishable by an annual fee of $325 or a long, slow, equally fat death of untreated diabeetus.

19. Someone will actually say to you, “I’m not in the mood for burritos.”

Well then! That’s never happened to you before. But as they say, you have to go through hell to get to heaven.

20. You will learn to love me.

Listen, I know you’re far away from you home and this culture here is foreign to you. But being an Armenian mail-order bride isn’t so bad. Look at all this grandeur we have in my 450 square-foot bachelor apartment. I’m an assistant manager at H&M, so I will provide for you. We’ll have so many great times together visiting my parents in the country; just remember, you’re from Long Island, not Armenia. You’ll learn to love it here. And in time, me as well. Now, get ready because I’m taking you to Walmart.