The problem with alcohol is that drinks make you fat and have little nutritional value.
The other problem with alcohol is that it’s necessary for most daily activities. What’s a girl to do when she finds she can’t fit into her swimsuit or sweat pants? Stop drinking cannot be the answer. There’s a better way than limiting yourself to Skinny Bitches (vodka waters with a twist of lemon). Look into your glass to see what is really giving you that belly. Here are seven delicious drinks packed with nutrients that won’t make your ass jiggle so you may continue being the fun-ctional drunk you enjoy. 

Drinking Healthy at the Bar

Red Beer

Total calories: 106
1 light beer: 64
6 oz tomato or veggie juice: 42
Salt and pepper to taste 

How to make it:
Pour your piss-water beer into a glass. Make it a classy glass, and be proud. Take a few sips so you can fit the tomato elixir. Then slowly pour the juice in, add salt and pepper to taste, and there you go. That’s it.

Why it’s righteous:
Beer is a thorn in everyone’s chubby side. The more delicious beers get, the more calories they have, and the more bloated you become. In my opinion, light beers just aren’t worth it; so when you really want a beer but not a belly, put some prostate-loving, carotenoid-full tomato juice in it to add some much-needed flavor and nutrients. For all of its caloric density, beer may be very good for you. Some studies suggest drinking in moderation (one pint a day) can help lower your risk of heart disease, increase your good cholesterol and even strengthen your bones. It’s pretty much like eating a salad, with some bubbly, body-strengthening croutons. And they told you liquid lunches were a bad thing, pshhh-aaa.

Total calories: 134
Champagne: 95
Orange juice: 39

How to make it:
Pour Champagne in to flute (no, not that kind of flute), and slowly add the OJ to avoid explosions. Spilled Champagne is sad Champagne.

Why it’s righteous:
What a wonderful surprise that mimosas are so nice to your waistline and most often bottomless on Sundays. The best thing about them is that they’re acceptable to drink at 9 in the morning, and are exceptionally good for the body and soul. Champagne is a great alcohol to drink if you’re looking to cut down an underpants size or two because it’s low-cal, naturally sweet, and has similar health benefits and antioxidants as red wine. So, with every bubbly orange sip you’re reducing your chance of heart disease. On top of that, you have orange juice, which is full of vitamin C. That makes it good for your immune system. They were wrong, it’s not an apple, it’s a mimosa a day that keeps the doctor away.

Bloody Mary
Total calories: 138
1.5 oz vodka: 96
6 oz tomato or vegetable juice: 42
Salt, pepper, hot sauce to taste
Splash of Worcestershire sauce

How to make it:
Ice your glass and coat those frozen babies with Worcestershire sauce and a dash of salt and pepper. Add the vodka, then the tomato juice, and give it a stir with a celery stick. Add hot sauce or more spice to taste. Garnish with any and every veggie you can find.

Why it’s righteous:
Bloody Marys are the end all be all cocktails when you’re feeling fat and nutrient deficient. Vodka is about 96 calories per shot, but when you add the tomato or vegetable juice, that pretty much counters those. Right? Tomatoes are a fruit, or a vegetable … but they’re full of vitamin C, which aids the immune system. They also have lots of carotenoids that help you fight diseases like heart disease and cancer. Then there’s lycopene, which has been proven to help prevent prostate cancer. This is like a triple whammy health drink. The best part about a bloody Mary is that the drink itself is only half of the healthy fun. Cocktail onions, asparagus, brussels sprouts and celery all have nutrients and fiber, and pickled jalapeños, spicy foods in general, help jump start your metabolism. A bloody Mary may just be the most nutritious breakfast you’ll ever have.

Drinking Healthy at the Bar

Blueberry Lemon Crush

Total calories: 162
1.5 oz vodka: 96
10 (1/8 cup) blueberries: 10
1 oz lemon juice: 17
2 oz orange juice: 39
2 oz club soda: 0

How to make it:
Muddle your blueberries and lemon juice in a shaker, add ice, OJ and vodka and shake. Pour into glass, add your fizzy soda, and enjoy. If it’s too tart for your taste try adding Stevia extract or a small amount of agave nectar, honey or simple syrup.

Why it’s righteous:
This is the perfect refreshing, low-calorie vodka drink. It’s sweet, it’s tart, it’s bubbly. The sugars in the fruits add some calories; however, blueberries are the most antioxidant-rich berry in the patch. They save you from free radicals and help you recreate your DNA without any mishaps. Lemon juice and orange juice are full of vitamin C and special phytochemicals only found in citrus fruits, which help promote liver detoxification and act as an anti-inflammatory. You can really use any berries you want; they’re all rich in antioxidants. The sweeter the berry, the less blindsided by lemon you’ll be, but there will be a few more calories. The natural sweetness of fruits beats out the syrupy sweet of traditional drink mixes any day, especially when it’s so good for you to drink fruit. The best part of the Blueberry Lemon Crush is at the bottom, where booze-soaked berries await.

Watermelon Vodka
Total calories -142
1/2 cup of watermelon: 46
1.5 oz vodka: 96
Squeeze of lemon/lime or sprig of fresh mint (optional)

How to make it:
Place watermelon in blender. Push the button and be amazed at how easy that was. Add your vodka and ice if necessary. Taste it and add a squeeze of lemon, or the fresh mint leaves. Also, if desired, mix in a tiny bit of sweetener to taste.

Why it’s righteous:
This drink is the best excuse for a low-calorie drink that actually makes you burn calories before you start drinking it. Say what? First, you have to cut up the watermelon and blend it. It’s only after you work out that you may be rewarded from this sweet refreshing drink. It tastes just like watermelon because that’s what it is. Adding lemon or mint makes it even more refreshing. Watermelons are great because they are full of water. That helps keep you hydrated, which is very important in being skinny. They are so naturally sweet, you won’t really need to add any sweetener.

Not a Yo Mama’s Joke Margarita
Total calories: 164
1.5 oz tequila: 98
2 oz lime juice: 10
1 oz lemon juice: 17
1 oz orange juice: 39

How to make it:
Mix all juices and tequlia together, then just blend and shake. If you want to add some additional flavor, muddle or blend berries, mangos or other fruits in as well. Leave out the salt because it makes your body retain water, which makes you look even fatter than you are.

Why it’s righteous:
Margaritas are a quintessential summer drink and should by no means be put on your, “Oh I’d like to but I can’t” list. Taking the sugary mix out of your glass and replacing it with fresh fruits and juices will give you all the powers of tequila without the cavities, heartburn or spare tire. This drink is great because it’s refreshing, tart as hell and contains all of the citrusy wonders that help your liver get that shit out once you’re done making a fool of yourself. And tequila is well-known for bringing out the dancer in everyone, so that’s exercise and a great way to keep the jiggle out of your step. And if you get to the worm, that’s just extra protein.

Total calories: 148
whole peach: 59
Whiskey: 89
2 or three fresh mint leaves
agave nectar: 21 per tsp

How to make it:
Muddle the peach and mint leaves in a shaker. Really pulverize the peach so it’s a juicy slop rather than chunks (blend if you need to). Shake with ice and whiskey and strain into a fresh cup, garnish with more fresh mint and a few slices of peach to soak and eat later. Give it a taste and add a small amount of natural sweeter if desired.

Why it’s righteous:
In the spirit of the upcoming peach season, we’re going to have to do this one. Peaches are sweet and loaded with their own natural sugars that make the traditional barrel flavors of whiskey pop like the button off your old jeans. Peaches bring another vitamin (A) to the party with its friend C. Vitamin A aids your bones, eyes and organs. The PeachSmash! also adds another element that makes drinking light easy and refreshing: utilizing herbs. They add mountains of flavor with no calories. Adding mint, rosemary or basil to drinks provides a punch of flavor without being bogged down by sugar and additives.