Herpes is hard at work saving your ass from deadly mosquito diseases. It's truly an American hero.

The not-so-great state of Florida has been exporting regret and Spring Break Chlamydia for decades now, but that’s not all it’s good for: it’s also home to the largest, most voracious and most disease-ridden mosquito population in the country.

But before you go booking your ticket to Satan’s Paradise, keep in mind that by the time you get there, regret and STDs might just be the only things waiting to fuck with your life. Mosquitos, on the other hand, might be entirely gone.

That’s because, in an effort to keep things ecologically interesting, a team of British scientists have devised a way to kill all the mosquitos using none other than you old, dear friend … herpes?!

That’s right, bitches. Researchers from Oxford University's Oxitec firm have cooked up a new, bigger, stronger, sexier mosquito made primarily out of mosquito stuff, E.coli bacteria, the Herpes simplex virus, and for some reason coral and cabbage. The purpose of this Franken-skeeter? Mosquito murder.

After being released into the wild, the genetically-modified male mosquitoes mate with the natural female mosquito population.

Once the alien males swoon the lady mosquitos, presumably with their blistered lab dongs, they inject them with a seasonal batch of mutant kamikaze death cum.
The end result of the ol’ Tallahassee Tumble is a generation of half-stillborn mosquito larvae that die before maturation, thereby reducing the population as a whole in the most meticulously, drawn-out, pillaging of Mother Nature manner possible.

So far, the godless hybrids have shown promise in quelling the spread of mosquito-borne diseases.

More than 3 million of the Death Cum Herpes Monsters were released over six months in the Cayman Islands, fulfilling their mission with a 96 percent success rate. OORAH!!! Pending a FDA approval, the mosquitos are set to be used to deter outbreaks of Dengue Fever and Chikungunya in parts of southern Florida and the Keys. Yes, apparently, that’s going on in Florida, as well.

Of course, none of this glorious mosquito killing could be possible without herpes, which the researcher used to inject lab-grown recombinant DNA into the male mosquito's genome. Herpes is the hero. Herpes is here to help.

Residents were told they could be potentially bitten by a few stray females overlooked by the boys in the lab (oversight schmoversight). But before everyone panics and stocks-up on OFF Brand Valtrex, relaxxx. Citizens were pinky-promised, no genetically-modified DNA would enter their bloodstream and, in turn, their reproductive organs, tainting subsequent generations of offspring. Adding arms to dicks and dicks to foreheads… so on and so forth.

In the meantime, be weary of the buxom blonde at the end of that swim-up bar in Sarasota, with the come-hither eyes and sleek antennae quad-fisting those Mike’s Hard Lemonades.