Don't let the deep, boiling rage burst. Here's how to answer inane questions from family accordingly.

Here’s the thing, no matter how cool you think your family is, understand they are absolutely disappointed in you. Sure maybe they don’t say it to your face, but their nagging questions are all the validation you need to know you suck at life.
We know that under pressure (or under the influence) you may not be prepared to answer the litany of pestering inquiries. So below is a list of responses to the most frequently asked questions. And because we’re awesome and like to spice it up, we thought we’d include how you’d maybe like to respond, and also how you should respond. If you get them mixed up it will just make for a more eventful holiday season.

“Whatever happened to that nice boy you brought around last Christmas? He seemed to really have it together?”

How you want to respond: Interesting. He didn’t have it together at all. He couldn’t get hard unless he smelled my asshole and it got to the point where I could no longer look at myself in the mirror without crying. So? So I fucking dumped him. He’s now dating a girl he met at Bonnaroo who doesn’t shower.

How you do respond: He died.

“Now that you’re married … when are you two going to dive into parenthood??? We want grandchildren before we die.”

How you want to respond: We just got married, and frankly, we don’t want children. We want to continue to fuck each other and we hear that children are pretty much assholes who are, for some fucked up reason, against sex. Children are sex haters, and we hate the anti-sex movement. It’s simple politics.

How you do respond: Welllll … we’re just waiting until we’re more adjusted financially. We just got married so we’re enjoying our “us” time right now. Soon though!

“Hmmmmm … you’re looking very … ummm … 'healthy' these days? You know it’s harder to lose weight as you get older?”

How you want to respond: I’ve been starving myself for two weeks in preparation for this confrontation, so trust me, I know how hard it is to lose weight. I’ve also been on a steady diet of booze and Chipotle since spring, so I’m assuming that’s the “healthiness” you’re fucking referring to. Now I’m going to go help myself to three plates of dinner. THREE!

How you do respond: I have a thyroid issue. I’m going to the doctor next week to try to figure things out. *sigh* (hang head)

“Have you given any more thought about moving closer to us? It just makes sense to be near family, dear.”

How you want to respond: I chose to live in a roach infested walk-up, ate ramen for a steady five years and moved across the country just to be away from you; do you think that decision was because I enjoyed spending 17 long years in your house? If I moved closer to you, both of the shaky relationships we have now would disintegrate immediately and then shit would just be awkward when I saw you at King Soopers.

How you do respond: Wouldn’t that be fun!! It’s just right now, with the economy and all, it’s just a bad idea to leave my job. Once things settle down and the market gets better perhaps I can start looking at options. Wine?

“I understand that the single girl life is trendy right now, but you need to understand that being single in your 40s isn’t 'cool' — it’s just sad. Have you tried one of those online dating sites to try to find someone?”

How you want to respond: Yeah, having sex several times a week is wicked sad. Not cleaning up after and constantly validating a douchebag boyfriend makes me weep daily. Oh, wait?!? No it fucking doesn’t! I don’t need a dating site to get eaten out, Grandma. It just comes naturally.

How you do respond: You know, I’ve thought about that. Maybe after the holidays, I can really focus on diving into the old dating scene again. Fingers crossed!

“It seems like you’re having fun doing what you’re doing, but when are you going to find a real career?”

How you want to respond: (Fill in the blank) is a real fucking career. I know your miserable job had a 401k, but my job ensures I won’t end up a sad, old miser with a million regrets. Make sense?????

How you do respond: Interesting that you mention my job; I just got a huge promotion! Unfortunately, with new responsibilities comes less family time so I just won’t be able to see you guys as much.

“That’s an interesting haircut/color! Have you thought about changing your hairdresser?”

How you want to respond: It’s hair. HAIR!!! And who in the hell made you an expert? You’ve had the same hairstyle since 1982, so simmer the fuck down.

How you do respond: You know me! Always making bad decisions. Maybe I’ll get a wig until I can find a good hairdresser.

“Your fashion choices are always so daring; perhaps, you could tone it down just a bit for the family dinner?”

How you want to respond: How about you tone the fuck down and remember that at no time has your glittered reindeer sweater ever been in fashion. Ever.

How you do respond: I was unsure of this outfit which is why I brought a plain black smock. Let me go change. And thank you for helping me. Also may I just say that reindeer sweater is divine!

“She’s such a catch! You know we love you, but you’ve made so many mistakes with those slutty girls. When are you going to pop the question to this nice one?”

How you want to respond: I only brought her to avoid annoying questions, but since that didn’t work I’d like to share with you just how much I miss those slutty girls. Actually, while I’m having sex with this basic bitch, I'll fantasize that I’m banging those sluts. Hard. Also, to be clear, enjoying sex doesn’t make a woman a slut — it makes her my fucking dream girl. 

How you do respond: Well, since we just met last week I think we’ll need just a bit more time. Here’s hoping I don’t screw this up!

“You always look so tired; are you getting enough rest?”

How you want to respond: No, no I’m not. I work a billion hours a week, read like it’s an addiction, love wine and absolutely adore having sex. With all my unhealthy hobbies it just doesn’t give me the time to sleep my life away to avoid bags under my eyes. Here’s a solution: Don’t look me in the eyes.

How you do respond: I know. I just need to take some time away from everything and get some much needed rest. Do you perhaps have a pillow and some cucumbers?

Cover Photo: Liz Devine Photography