New data suggests that growing up in liberal places (like the one you're sitting on your ass in) really decrease your chances of getting married.
Hark, young reader. Look all around you. Consider your friend group. Consider your vast network of informal social media friends/ bots. Right now, does it not seem like all of those fuckers are either breaking up, or getting married?
In fact, you're probably getting engaged right now, as we speak, because you, young target market person between ages 18-30, are of prime marrying age. Our condolences.
And interestingly, your chances of being one of those people have a lot to do with where in the country you grew up. A new study based on an Upshot analysis of data compiled by a team of Harvard economists studying upward mobility, housing and tax policy has found that the more liberal someone's childhood town is, the less like they are to be married by the age of 26.
So, where does that leave you native Coloradans?
According to this map of marriage rates by county, it seems like if you live in Denver or Ft. Collins, you are more likely to be married by age 26. Four times more likely in fact. However, if you're in Boulder, you're less likely to be getting married … which makes sense, because Boulder is a liberal hotbed on which hippies dance and slackline in the haze of weed smoke wrought during a conversation about astrophysics, granola or the merits of kayaking naked. Marriage, to Boulderites, seems less important than Instagramming squirrels and fighting our Orwellian city council.
Of course, Denver and Ft. Collins have more heterogeneous populations than Boulder when it comes to religious and political beliefs, as well as income. Although neither one is backwoods Kentucky, as a result of that more diverse population, there's more conservativism there that leads to early marriages.
However, the most striking geographical pattern on marriage, as with so many other issues today, is the partisan divide. From the researchers:
"Spending childhood nearly anywhere in blue America — especially liberal bastions like New York, San Francisco, Chicago, Boston and Washington — makes people about 10 percentage points less likely to marry relative to the rest of the country. And no place encourages marriage quite like the conservative Mountain West, especially the heavily Mormon areas of Utah, southern Idaho and parts of Colorado."
Politics isn’t the only dividing line on marriage though. More rural towns also seem to promote marriage (hello tiny Colorado mountain towns), even after taking an area’s political proclivities into account.
So, lesson learned? The only way a kid like you is gonna tie the knot is if you relocate your ass to a place in the Rockies that's remote enough to know no area code. Or, you can settle with Boulder if you can handle the tech-bros and homemade chia seed energy bar dildos or whatever the F goes on in that city (just kidding, we live there, it's lovely). On the other hand, living in Denver or Ft. Collins is your ticket to an ex-wife or husband, so get those vows together and get ready to learn the meaning of pre-nup! Mahzeltov.