Here we are folks, at a time in history where imaginary hearts and thumbs actually mean something. Here’s how to get more of them. …

Take Your Shirt Off.
Cosmopolitan wrote a dumbass list back in 2014 about how selfies increase likes. Apparently, after an analysis of 1.1 million photos on Instagram, it was found that pictures showing faces are 38 percent more likely to receive the double-tap. By our own analysis during lunch of over 300 billion posts from dudes and also not dudes, that number increases ten-fold if the user doesn’t have a shirt on.

Never Pick Sides.
You’re either with them or against them … or writing posts in such a way no one has any idea whose side you’re actually on. “The Second Amendment is a load of balogne (pronounced ‘ba-log-ney’) unless it’s a life or death situation, or if someone wants to open-carry on any day ending in the letter Y.” Wait, what!? Trust us, no one is more like-happy than a confused Midwestern cousin who just sucked the business end of a can of Rustoleum. Get creative.

Be King Panderer.
You get a like, and you get a like, and you get a like. You all get likes! The social media sphere is nothing more than an electronic schoolyard replete with bullies, teacher-sluts and crypto-kids who hang out in dark corners but also grow up to be millionaires. Befriend them all while maintaining a neutrally advocative position in their posts. Soon, you’ll have an army of strangers just waiting to approve of that next meme you didn’t create.

Sell Your Soul.
If you’ve done the last three and still find yourself wading in the pee-side of the pool of acceptance, go on and take the plunge. Simply create a pentagram made of Kosher salt on your apartment floor, light a few candles, and then quietly chant the words “Zuckerbergian, Dorseyla, Tom From MySpacious!” Within no time, a short elvish looking thing with a nose like Owen Wilson will appear on your Venmo feed and eventually make your wildest dreams come true.