When it comes to threesomes, most people's ideal third is not a disembodied vagina that lives in a tube.
But then again, most people are stupid. That disembodied vagina — otherwise known as a Fleshlight — can actually be the best threesome partner this hemisphere has ever seen.
I should know. My boyfriend and I fucked one last night.
Why, you ask?
Because like many couples, we've been dying to have a threesome. Yet, like many more couples (and single people in general), we've been a bit confused about the spatial logistics of how that would work.
Who puts what where, and when? What configuration of bodies is the most pleasurable and least awkward for everyone? How do you ensure everyone gets an equal-ish amount of attention and that no one's left solo masturbating and crying in the corner? Call it over-analysis, but we've both heard too many tales of threesomes gone wrong to go into it unprepared.
We tried figuring it out by watching threesome porn. Didn't work. There are questions that no amount of "Wild Oiled FFM Threesome With Massive Jugs" can answer. After all, as a sex writer and porn connoisseur, I'm acutely aware that what you see in porn is not necessarily what works in real life. Porn positions and scenarios exist for the purposes of fantasy and giving whoever's watching it the best possible view of the action, not because what's being represented actually feels or works the best for the people involved. What you see is not necessarily representative of what you'll get.
Fleshlight threesomes were the answer to our horny prayers. I discovered them through my job at the L.A.-based sex shop the Pleasure Chest, when I watched a much older, much more experienced employee sell the shit out of one to a couple who was interested in threesomes but had shitty experiences working them out in the past. By adding one as a third party to your regular fuck routine, the employee told them, they give you the omnipotent power of practicing group sex, without committing to intricacies and personal boundaries of the actual experience. That way, you can use it to experiment with different positioning and try out what it feels and looks like to focus on two partners instead of just one … even if one of those is just an inanimate squish-tube. It's like a (pretty wet) dry run, if you will.
It also has the added benefit of urgency, something we found out last night. With real threesomes, finding a third person can be hard. It takes time, and vetting and a lot of communication. A lot of "She's hot, right? … Right? No? Fuck." Sometimes you have to meet your unicorn several times before you decide you have enough chemistry and mutual interest, which is cute and all, but time very few people have.
Not so with a Fleshlight. If you're have one, they're one muscle contraction away, waiting for you in your closet on call. Ours was in our bedside table. The moment we started talking about threesomes, all we had to do was reach over and grab it, and hi, threesome (ish). If you're in the mood for group sex but don't have the third person or the time to find one, a Fleshlight is instant gratification.
Fleshlights also come in non-vagina shapes, so you can expand the gender/sexuality combinations of your ideal threesome in whatever way you want. There are asshole Fleshlights, mouth Fleshlights, fantasy-themed Fleshlights, pornstar Fleshlights and Fleshlights that have no particular shape at all and are just well-lubed fuck holes designed specifically for your pleasure. Ours was pretty basic, the Fleshlight Flight Pilot, which, despite its name, has nothing to do with aeronautics. It's one of those non-anatomical ones, just an unimposing hole.
And there are so many ways to use these things. So many.
You can put it between your mattress and box spring and fuck it while you go down on your partner.
You can sit on someone's face and fuck them with the Fleshlight while they eat you out.
You can use it to give the best oral sex ever by putting it on their dick while you play with their balls.
You can place it right above or below your vagina so the guy can alternate between you and it as he pleases.
You can use more than one to pretend you're having an orgy.
I mean, I could go on. I can't even honestly remember all the things we did it with. The only limit to Fleshlight threesomes, it appears, is your puny imagination.
I did all these things with my boyfriend, and he did some of them to himself, and I have to say that the way it made both of us focus on something else other than just each other was pretty enlightening. Because we switched positions so many times, we had to constantly figure out what holes went where and how all three of us could be involved, something that gave us both a mental pattern of how to make things run smoothly. At the end of it, we laughed at ourselves for taking the soft-skinned tubed so seriously, but we both agreed we treated it pretty damn alright. Any masturbation tube would be lucky to have us.
The best part of all this? You don't even have to use a Fleshlight to practice a threesome. You can use pretty much any sex toy that simulates a third partner — vibrator, dildo, blow-up doll … whatever. It's a chose your own adventure kind of thing. Just goes to show you how sex toys can not only enhance your sex life, but make you better at sex when you find an animated human to tag team with you boyfriend. Romantic!
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