It’s ill-advised to tempt fate when that one certain ex comes around and tries to slide into your inbox.

So things didn’t work out and you’re onto the next. It’s life. But unless you want WWIII to descend upon your once peaceful abode, it’s ill-advised to tempt fate when that one certain ex comes around and tries to slide into your inbox.

Don’t say: “Sure, I’d love to go get coffee.”
Say this instead: “I’m A, new bae is B; so C yourself out of my texts.”
Why? Coffee is evil. It’s the meetup of mass destruction that begins the entire invasion. Abort! Abort!

Don’t say: “We’re not really together.”
Say this instead: “Does ‘Facebook official’ mean anything to you?”
Why? You weasel! Of course you’re together! Don’t minimize your current status because you think you can tap both. No deal.

Don’t say: “I’ve been thinking about us a lot.”
Say this instead: “New phone. Who dis?”
Why? That’s the seed that grows the fucked bush. Either do or do not; you can’t have both.

Don’t say: “You up?”
Say this instead: Nothing. The hell are you doing texting your ex at 2 a.m.?
Why? This is going to end badly. This is going to end really, really badly …

Don’t say: “Send nudes”
Say this instead: "404 Not Found"
Why? There’s nothing but lonely nights at the end of this road. May god bless you.