Yes, terrible. How dare these restaurants take preventive measures to keep you safe while risking their own lives to bring you eggs? What is this RUSSIA?!? Snap the photo, order your food. Life’s not that hard.


My boss gave me a nickname and I hate it. What can I do?

Sheesh, this is a tough one. I wish you would have included the nickname. I’ve been doing stand up so long I can’t imagine what it’s like in the workplace, let alone someone annoying you with this. Maybe fire one back at him? Something he’ll have to personally ask you about in private. Next time he calls you out by your nickname, hit’em with a “Copy that, Soup-Balls!” After a few times, he’ll pull you aside and ask for an explanation. Tell him “The whole office says you smell like soup and balls. I thought that’s how nicknames work?” That should put an end to this.


How Should I Respond When My Friend Complains On Social Media About Not Being Invited To Parties I Go To?

Damn. This sounds passive aggressive as hell! I’d post MORE photos of the parties! Use a watermark hashtag like #NoChodes or #GrownFolksOnly so they learn to stop being a baby. Also, that friend sounds awful.


We’re planning our wedding and there are people we don’t want to invite. Is it cool if we use COVID as the reason?

Hell yeah it’s cool! What better way out than not having to blow YOUR money on “Chicken or fish?” for family or friends you haven’t seen in a decade?! That annoying Aunt that gets waaaay too drunk on schnapps? Buh-bye! That nerdy frat brother that you never clicked with, but he did bail you out that time you punched a cop? Sorry Charlie! We’re in a pandemic! You’ll be a hero for thinking of their safety first!


Is it ok to ask out someone I’ve never met that just followed me on Instagram?

I’d imagine your options for dating are limited during all of this nonsense. How do dates even work? Zoom calls? Jesus, that sounds terrible. My advice is yeah, go for it! We could be in this situation for a while so shoot your shot. Prisoners date this way all the time. Maybe your first real date you could both get tested, then … who knows? A conjugal visit may be in your future! Good luck!


Mike Knows Best

I’m not optimistic enough to buy a 2021 calendar.


Mike can be found every Monday hosting Thick Skin at Comedy Works Downtown or on his new podcast “It’s a Blunderful Life.” Tweet @_aware_wolf or @roostermagazine with your most pressing queries about this thing we call life.