Thou shalt not drinketh beer before liquor upon punishment of never being sicker.
The 10 Commandments are great and all, but like most things over 3,000 years old, they could use a makeover. So we sat down and meditated with our dog (an anagram of God) and waited until we received a strong enough 3G signal for the commandment updates to download. And here they are, modernized for millennials, with more than 10 demands because this is version 2.0 and you all need Jesus!
1. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wifi. Unless thine password is “password.” Then that shit's yours, baby. Booyah.
2. Thou shalt not drinketh beer before liquor upon punishment of never being sicker.
3. Honor thy father and thy mother … but not by friending them on Facebook.
4. Thou shalt use the right lane if thou insist on driving slower than Comcast download speeds.
5. Thou shalt not take Lorde’s name in vain. She’s just a teenage pop star who somehow looks 40, leave her alone …
6. Thou shalt not covet thy friend’s jokes. We mean really, Ashley, you can’t say what we just said louder and take credit for it.
7. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s joint. It’s called puff-puff-pass, not puff-puff-glutton.
8. Thou shalt graciously return fellatio with cunninlingus and vice versa.
9. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven selfies.
10. Thou shalt remember all happy hours within walking distance and keep them holy.
11. Thou shalt not kill … our souls by posting gym pics to thine Instagram.
12. Thou shalt hold the door open for others for a period of time that is swift, yet courteous.
13. Thou shalt not click on clickbait unless thou have a very long and important project due imminently.
14. Thou shalt not bear false witness regarding Tinder dates.
15. Thou shalt not cancel an oncoming Uber if thou expecteth to ever get picked up in this god-forsaken part of town again.
16. Thou shalt stayeth the fuck away from the last piece of pizza unless thine paid for it.
17. Thou shalt stay away from Comic Sans, unless thou art posting a passive-aggressive note on the office fridge about how that pizza was for everybody because it was Jim’s birthday last week.
18. Thou shalt not use the hashtag #blessed if thou want to keep up any casual, ambiguous e-relationships.
19. Thou shalt not commit adultery. (Three millenia later and that one’s still right on the money.)
21. Thou shalt not tag us in that photo. What did we just tell you, Jarod? Fucking take it down.
22. Thou shalt not read the Terms and Conditions of the iTunes update, nor update thine iTunes until Apple maketh you.
23. Thou shalt not blog about a trip to Southeast Asia and about how the experience changed the way you look at things like scarcity and pooping.
24. Thou must not sendeth dicketh piceths.