I'm traveling to a different city for a long weekend, how do I pickup dick in a new city?
Your timing is perfect! We’re just coming out of a pandemic and there are plenty of unsuccessful guys who’ve spent the last year locked in their 3 bedroom apartment with their 4 roommates. These guys haven’t spoken to a woman, other than insulting them online in forever! Swing by the local Buffalo Wild Wings stand by the Golden-Tee machine, order a bucket of habanero-Armani drummies and let the dick come to you! Bon appetit!
I'm a high school teacher, and I'm starting at a new school in August. I teach history. I want to be beloved, respected, and slightly feared. What should I do in my first week?
You have to show equal parts insanity and vulnerability. Day 1: Get tattooed during class, something gnarly like a grim reaper riding a chrome motorcycle that looks like a horse. Don’t acknowledge it, just carry on with the itinerary. Day 2: Soften it up. Teach them to bake something. Day 3: Demonstrate how to throat chop a mugger. Day 4: Again, softer approach…re-pot a plant (crying optional). Day 5: Have the class water board you to prove you can take it. Day 6: Bunnies. And finally…Day 7: Create a balance and read Keats aloud while displaying your skills with a butterfly knife. That should set the precedent for the year.
I'm going away on a 4 day hike through the mountains with my mom.
What should I do if we encounter a dangerous animal?
Well, there’s good news and bad news here. The bad news is, there is very little you can do in the event of encountering a dangerous animal in the wild. Stand still, play dead, parkour… your options are pretty limited. The good news is, you only have to outrun your mom!
I have few marketable talents, not much of an education, terrible social skills, not much intelligence, and I'm middle aged. How do I not die poor?
Have you tried having a ton of kids and hoping one of them becomes rich? You’re not giving me very much to work with here.
I’m afraid of women when it comes to being more than friends. What should I do during the sexy time?
I’d probably start by not calling it “the sexy time.” I say you lean into that fear. Have you tried being a “sub?” We’re in the middle of a sexual revolution so being “afraid” might be your most enticing quality. Let someone else call the shots.
MIKE KNOWS BEST:
“Re-entering society feels a lot like those first 20 seconds of using your GPS when you have no idea which direction you’re supposed to turn.”