IPAs clawed their way to the top of the craft beer chain. They’ve infested every bar, taproom and brewery in the country. The only way you’ll survive the IPApocalypse is by joining the infected and become a hopzombie yourself. Here’s what you’ll need to know to accept and endure the invasion.
IPAs clawed their way to the top of the craft beer chain. They’ve infested every bar, taproom and brewery in the country. The only way you’ll survive the IPApocalypse is by joining the infected and become a hopzombie yourself. Here’s what you’ll need to know to accept and endure the invasion.
Hops are like porn
Once you start to like the taste of hops, and at some point you just may, your world is expanded. You learn to enjoy the different types of hops, their varying applications, and you’ll start to understand why your beer tastes the way it does, which will make you like beer more. But, just like porn, there is no turning back. After you’ve learned to enjoy IPAs, you won’t be able to drink anything without hops ever again. Just like you’ll never be able to get hard watching girl-on-girl now that you’ve seen girl-on-shemale-on-goat. But it’s OK because there’s a whole new group of friends, that won’t gag when they take a sip of your beer, waiting on the other side.
We’re snobby
Choking down an IPA is a badge of honor. It means you know your shit, and no flimsy beer will do. You need something that has body and character that carries the minute possibility of rotgut. When you order an IPA at the bar, you’re saying, “My palate is developed enough to appreciate the nuanced floral aroma, to understand the deep chocolate notes, and to detect the peppermint twinge that aging it in Santa’s sleigh obviously added.” Everyone is super impressed.
Everybody loves them
This year, when the American Homebrewers Association ranked the best commercial beers in America, IPAs were the obvious winner. When the beer drinkin-est beer drinkers decide IPAs are boss, you best listen. Otherwise, you'll be damned to scoffing bartenders and immasculating chides from those you thought were your friends until wheat beer comes back into style. And from the looks of this list, that ain't happening any time soon.
You can’t fuck’em up
Homebrewers love IPAs because you can’t fuck’em up, and if you do nobody is going to be able to tell. If a flavor is off, just throw some more hops in, and it will be good. Obviously, there is an art form to brewing an IPA worthy of the AHA list, but there’s not a beer that wouldn’t fare well from a good dry hopping. Hops have such a pungent and complex flavor on their own that people who like them, love to dissect and appreciate the bitter flavor that makes your jaw fall off. You could basically juice hops put’em in ketchup, and people would go crazy, that’s how deep this sickness goes.
That shit goes with everything
IPAs go with everything, and can be twisted into any style of beer. Hops compliment spicy and sweet flavors, and balance greasy, heavy flavors. They pair well with pretty much every food you’d stuff in your mouth, and can even be used as a palate cleanser for your grandma’s favorite liverwurst recipe. Brewers can add hops to wheat beers, red ales and fruit beers, literally anything, and the results are most often a drinkable beer that, once again, tastes good with whatever you’re chewing on. And since you can’t stand a beer without a bite anymore, the White IPA, Red IPA and Peach IPA are a welcome change from just a plain ol’IPA you've been sippin' on.
There's no stopping the epidemic underway, and America is certainly a quarantine zone. You can either learn to appreciate it, or keep your mouth shut, because hopzombies have no compassion. If you’re a die-hard part of the resistance, practice saying, “Yea, that’s great, very complex,” until you can do it with a straight face. There is nowhere to hide, and deception is your only weapon.
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