Quit it with the coming …

Ancient Taoists have been telling us about the health benefits of semen retention for male health and longevity for hundreds of years, but those guys are nowhere near as funny as we are, so we'll let them take a backseat for now and we'll tell you why you should quit it with the coming instead:

1. More energy and physical vitality … for sex or whatever

There's a physical depletion of energy and nutrients from the nervous and endocrine systems that happens when you ejaculate — energy and nutrients that could be conserved and used for other cool stuff if you didn't shoot them out of your penis.

Both semen and blood are rich in calcium and phosphorus, lecithin, cholesterol, albumen, nucleoproteins, iron, vitamin E, etc. An ounce of semen is considered to be equal in value to sixty ounces of blood or seven ounces of food, meaning when you splooge, you dump all those important nutrients into the hardened pages of your Spring 1997 Playboy of letting them vitalize and energize your body. Why else do you think athletes are cautioned not to have sex the night before a game, or why you feel lazier after a one-night-stand than if you had spent the night alone?

You just think about that.

2. Instant Einstein

Semen contains substances of high physiological value, especially in relation to the nutrition of the brain and nervous system. There is a remarkable similarity of chemical composition between the semen and the central nervous system, both being especially rich in lecithin, cholesterin and phosphorus compounds, which would indicate that coming depletes from the body substances necessary for the nutrition of nervous tissues.

Daniel Reid, author of "The Tao of Health Sex & Longevity," has pointed out that Taoist Sexual Master Mantak Chia states that when men retain their semen during sexual activity, their brain energy increases two-fold. So if you've got a test or a job interview tomorrow, hold back the little guys tonight and see how much smarter you are tomorrow.

3. Work off that beer gut

If you're going for distance rather than speed, if you know what we mean, you're going to be in the trenches for much longer than you're used to. Think about what all that extra thrusting could do to your abs. We're talking forgotten fridge beer to a six-pack of Stella. Are you getting all these metaphors?

4. Increased sex drive

Tantric specialists Devi Ward and Jacques Drouin mention on their site that in that "a recent study from China shows that semen retention increases testosterone levels by 45.7% after seven days." Testosterone is what makes you horny and affectionate. According to Devi and Jacques, semen is "the fuel that drives male sexuality. It is the source not only of physical capacity for sex, but also of sexual interest and emotional affection for the opposite gender." So there. 

What we're saying is when you save instead of spend, your day will look much more like a Cialis commercial than a Zoloft one. You'll be much more inclined to romance your lady or custom latex sex doll in the way that they've been begging you to since forever.

5. Baby, all night

Two words: better stamina. When you don't come, you can go all night like you were made to do. And when you can go for longer, your partner will have a much better chance of getting off herself. When you do this, the dynamic can change between you and your partner. Sex can get slower, more passionate, more personal, and more intimate when you're not focused on an end goal, which may be a new thing for you. Women are also apt to be a lot more giving when you focus on their pleasure, so don't call us all surprised when your chick can't keep her hands off you.

But don't worry, you still get a special prize: a sense of personal empowerment in regards to your sexuality, and a deeper sense of self-confidence, knowing that you can sexually satisfy you partner.

6. Sex is a referral-based business

If you can have sex without coming and focus on your partner's pleasure instead of yours, she's not gonna keep that shit a secret. When you're generous in bed, girls are generous with gossip with their friends about how good you were. So leave a business card on the night stand, and watch as girls you know start to look at you funny when you talk to them. 

7. Stop sperm genocide

Every time you orgasm, 226 million sperm die. Who will stop this senseless killing? You, man. Stand up for the cause.

8. Your next orgasm will be stronger … or a multiple

Men are capable of being just as multi-orgasmic as any woman, but not if they come everywhere. As we all know, men's favorite thing to do is roll over and fall asleep after their first ejaculation,  and only a few #blessed men are able to rally for a second or third round. But if they don't come, men can have full, whole-body, multiple orgasms, with each one rolling continuously into the next, because orgasm and ejaculation are two separate physiologial events. Is your face melting off in shock, or is it melting off in shock.

10. No awkward mess

When you don't come, you never have to have that conversation where you ask her where you should come, and she says your hand, but you pull out and come in her eye, and runs home crying. When you keep things on lock, there's no awkward clean-up to worry about. No semen in her hair, no wonder whether you or her should be the one scraping come off her back with wayward socks because you're out of tissues, no dousing your bedroom in come that you'll forget to clean up. Trust us, it's better this way.

11. 99 problems and a screaming infant ain't one

'Nuff said. Although you shouldn't use this new fun talent of yours for birth control; accidents happen (see above photo).

*Special fun note: you shouldn't stop coming all together, or you'll probably die (you won't, but you'll want to). Ejaculating is good for you, but if you learn how to control it, that's when all the magical stuff happens.

**Special fun note #2: if you're going to practice semen retention, tell your partner so she doesn't think something's wrong with her or your dick.