It's only 36 hours into 2014, and the internet is already outdoing itself, setting the stage for what's shaping up to be its best year since YouPorn launched. Here's three examples of what we're talking about, and one of them includes a man with two penises. Just saying.
1. The Internet kicked the year off right with this Bloomington, Indiana Craigslist missed connection about a woman looking for a man who pissed himself while they kissed on New Year's Eve:
You – 5’8 scruffy, glasses, wearing a blue hoodie outside the Vid and I asked you for a lighter. You lit my cigarette and we talked about our wishes for the new year. We heard the countdown starting and decided to stay outside. I started to cry and you kissed me, and then we started to make out. After a minute I felt something warm and realised that you pissed yourself. I pushed you away and that’s when you ran but I wish you had stayed. You peed on me but it’s OK! I just want to know who you are! Please reply and when you do tell me why I started crying so I know it’s you – if you remember.
2. Then it really got the party started with this Reddit AMA from a bisexual man with two penises. Naturally, his username is DoubleDickDude.
Oh, and before we show you the Q&A, we just thought you'd like to know that he has two fully-functional penises, which are six and seven in inches, respectively, when erect. He's also got a girlfriend, and a boyfriend…the selfish bastard.
Okay, let's start with the most obvious question…
Waffles_bro: seems like a stupid question but when you have sex, can you do all the position, because i guess you must use only one of your penis and the other one must be kind of in the way if its also hard.
DoubleDickDude: my bf and gf can take both in them, so it’s pretty standard. but in the past with partners who had smaller or tighter holes, i had to start off using one but by the time i was done i had used both. 😉
Moving on to what happens when the time comes to drop his drawers…
thederpmeister: How do you break the news to girls you’re hooking up with? Is it a “prepare yourself, mortal” or more of a “ooooooHELLOWTF” type of deal?
DoubleDickDude: I did both for a while, but I dont date anymore, i’m in a relationship with a guy and a girl, and have been for a while. back in my teens i tried both ways and it was never predictable. the easy girls sometimes screamed and ran (literally once) as much as the virgins did. never could figure that out. But guys, guys NEVER run and ALWAYS follow through. Mostly straight guys, and they always at the very least touch and play with them a little. Some have even sucked me off so THAT was always the wild thing, the straight guys giving me head.
…and ending with with the issue of comfort.
thiney49:Do they both hang to one side of your pants, or do they split the seam?
DoubleDickDude: when i go commando, which is almost always except in winter, they take their own sides. the seam can be a pain sometimes because the skin between them is a little delicate and sensitive.
twisteddtoaster: What’s it like having both of them in the same hole?
DoubleDickDude: snug? 😉 Its nice. i like hearing the moaning from the person I’m squeezed inside of.
3. And finally, there's a Mortal Kombat band that sings about Subway Five-Dollar-Footlongs that's really giving Pizza Underground a run for their money. So, there's that.
Damn, internet. You're more internet-y than ever this year. 2014 is gonna be a good one.