Well, we are the party generation …

Five years ago, the conversation around America was "where's our fucking jobs, man?" And rightfully so, we took it lubeless after the housing bubble broke and spent an inordinate amount of time crawling back up to the status quo — which is presumably where we are now? 

But companies are increasingly finding it more difficult than ever to fill open positions they have available right now. It's not that they can't find worthy applicants, it's just that those applicants are spending too much of their free time getting all Dazed and Confused high and not giving a fuck about it. According to a report by the New York Times, the drug testing company Quest Diagnostics, which has compiled data since 1988, found the rate at which people are able to actually pass screening tests is shrinking.

For the second consecutive year, the diagnostics company has seen an increase in the percentage of American workers who tested positive for illicit drugs, from 4.3 percent in 2013 to 4.7 percent in 2014.

For those of you thinking, "well no shit, weed's legal now" — take a step back from the dab rig for a second. Positive results are increasing among other drugs too, with cocaine up to 0.24 percent from 0.22 percent, amphetamines up to 1.04 percent from 0.97 percent and heroin up to 0.031 percent from 0.015 percent.

But yeah, weed remained the most commonly found drug, up to 2.4 percent from 2.1 percent. So, it's still by far the most popular drug amongst people who still want to work for a living.

Which kind of begs the question: Who the fuck is going to a job interview high on heroin and actually taking the test? Wouldn't you bounce as fast as you could when someone took out a cup for you to pee in? 

That's likely the most surprising thing here, is that there are some of you out there who know you just did some drugs recently and still take the chance to pee?

The New York Times spot even acknowledges that the numbers may seem low — like 95.3 percent of people are still hirable then, correct? But no, because there are a lot of people who simply throw their hands up, walk out, or go M.I.A. completely when they're told about testing.

"As soon as I say ‘criminal background check,’ ‘drug test,’ they’re out the door,” says Jesse Russow, owner of Avalanche Roofing & Exteriors in Colorado Springs to the NYT.

For some of you, this means great news. You can either stay drugless and have a better chance at finding a worthwhile job after college, or still do drugs and learn how to pass the test before you go in for an interview (which doesn't mean you're a bad employee, just someone who's smarter than everyone else, thus making you a better employee).

Or just work for us — it's actually mandatory to use drugs so that we can escape the realities of a crumbling existential dynasty. Pessimists welcome.