Have you noticed that the internet is full of listsicles that go viral because they affirm things you already know? Stuff like … "21 Ways You Know You're 21." "10 Ways You Know You're from Colorado." "13 Surefire Signs You're a Man." We think it's funny these articles do so well, given that they're so obvious, so we decided to poke fun at them with a little blatantly conspicuous list of our own … about masturbation.
Have you noticed that the internet is full of listsicles that go viral because they affirm things you already know? Stuff like … "21 Ways You Know You're 21." "10 Ways You Know You're from Colorado." "13 Surefire Signs You're a Man." We think it's funny these articles do so well, given that they're so obvious, so we decided to poke fun at them with a little blatantly conspicuous list of our own … about masturbation.
1. The smell of lotion makes you feel like you could father 17 children, all whose names start with the letter J.
2. Your browser history reads like the liability clause of the an Asian sex dungeon frequented by wealthy businessmen.
3. People are always asking you to open pickle and jam jars, which we're sure has nothing to do with your Hulk-wrist.
4. There are more socks on the floor than actual floor.
5. When you cum, your dick issues a drought warning.
6. Your vibrator has a patina.
7. You see chafing as a direct challenge.
8. You might have gotten your shower drain pregnant.
9. Your dildo just filed for workman's comp.
10. There are so many spots in your comforter, it looks like the set of The Birds.
11. You just bought Magnum condoms because zucchinis are really in season right now …
12. You roommates have walked in on you so many times, you put a doorbell on your bedroom door.
13. When you type the words "Can you" into your Google search bar, it auto completes with "… use toasted sesame oil as lube."
14. You have a folder on your iPhone cleverly titled "Work Stuff" … yet you work at a restaurant.
15. There's a statue of you outside the Pornhub headquarters.
16. You genuinely think it's safer to watch porn on your phone than it is on your computer.
17. When you get too drunk to masturbate, you get "Whiskey Hand," and get pissed at yourself.
18. The only way you can sleep soundly is if you know you've canceled the existence of about two billion almost-people using nothing but an old Playboy and a tissue.
19. You've personalized your browser settings so it deletes your search history every time you close the web window.
20. You're somehow … some way … still single.
21. And last, but not least … you masturbate a lot.
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