ARIES (MAR 20-APR 18):
You need to choose whether you’re going to be scatterbrained or focused this month, or the cosmos will force your hand. Think of it this way: would you rather be known as a complete idiotic screw-up or someone who keeps their word? But hey, you enjoy a good spanking as much as anyone, though now is not the time nor place — so put on your adulting pants and get your shit together. It’s your opportunity to choose how the world sees you. Don’t fuck it up.
TAURUS (APR 19-MAY 20):
You find yourself bored shitless when the month starts, and you can’t figure out what to do about it. Masturbation isn’t the answer, though it’s often your go-to response. Maybe join a swinger’s club or take up nude rollerblading … anything to keep your mind active. A bored bull is a danger to everyone. Figure out what will alleviate this mind-numbing nothingness because no one wants to bail you out of jail. Again.
GEMINI (MAY 21-JUN 20):
Spring has sprung, and you feel like you’re operating in a dense fog. Maybe you are — smoking that much weed will cloud anyone’s mind. You’re not known as the “airhead of the Zodiac” for nothing. Take any outdated blonde joke, substitute the word “Gemini” and, hell, it still works. Use that unstoppable gift of unimportant gab you were born with and get out there and make yourself useful, for fuck’s sake.
CANCER (JUN 21-JUL 22):
Remember that time your parents said they were taking you on an adventure only to drop you off in another town and drive away? You still haven’t recovered from it emotionally, but that’s no excuse to be such a little twat. Just remember: not everyone who loved you was wrong. Deep inside is a kind, loving human crying to get out. It’s time to give your inner-child a day at Disneyland.
LEO (JUL 23-AUG 22):
Your ego is out of control. Someone should tear you down and put up an actual human being. No one will ever love you as much as you love yourself. Is that a good thing? Not in your case. Perhaps you should spend more time working on your personality than looking in the mirror. If you don’t do the work, you don’t get to reap the rewards. The rat race is yours to win or lose.
VIRGO (AUG 23-SEP 22):
Bet that shitty attitude was really cool back in high school. Too bad this is the real world and decades after graduation. Not everyone can be a smartass like you. The only people who give you a run for your money are your evil twins: Gemini. Try to curb your naturally critical nature and actually give a fuck about others this month. The payoff is a lot better and you might actually earn a friend or two.
LIBRA (SEP 23-OCT 22):
The human brain is one of the most complex organisms in the universe. So why is it that so many people never learn to use it? That’s not your problem this month. Instead, you tend to overthink everything and everyone, which has never helped. So why do you keep doing it? It is possible to tell your brain to shut the front door every once in awhile. If that doesn’t work, that’s why alcohol was invented. Bottoms up!
SCORPIO (OCT 23-NOV 21):
Yeah, yeah … it’s lonely being you. Though if you’d shut up and actually listen once in a while, you wouldn’t be in this mess. You are known far and wide for your rapier-like tongue, slicing through even the thickest of skin. You love nothing more than baiting others so you can rip them to shreds. But that only makes you a master baiter … not likable. Try being nice.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV 22-DEC 21):
You do realize that most days people barely tolerate you, don’t you? No? It’s time to learn that lesson. You don’t always have to be right, especially if you have no fucking clue what you’re talking about. Perhaps it’s time for a whole person makeover. Take a good look at yourself in the mirror and see if you can find an actual personality hiding behind the façade of bullshit. Or a sense of humor. Go ahead … we’ll wait.
CAPRICORN (DEC 22-JAN 19):
You clearly aren’t burdened by an overabundance of education this month, and you’re more than happy to tell everyone you meet all about it. Don’t be the person who brings everyone joy when you leave the room. You’re better than that. Stop trying to keep up appearances because you’re too lazy to do the work. Get off your ass, go to the library, and learn what you need to know. The whole world will benefit.
AQUARIUS (JAN 20-FEB 18):
Hey, Aquarius! Shock the world and say something intelligent! As an air sign, you sure do like to get down and wallow with the great unwashed. It’s bad when you think putting someone down just because you can is the height of hilarity, because it’s not. Use the education you spent so much time getting and rise above the petty slander and defamation. If you don’t know what either of those words mean, look them up.
PISCES (FEB 19-MAR 19):
Are you tired of being accused of being a “before” picture? You should be. You’ve let yourself go lately and expect everyone to ignore it. Not gonna happen. Get to the gym, the spa … anywhere that will help you get back on track. Spending so much time in La-La Land is blinding you to reality. Did you mean to trade in your neck for a couple of extra sausage packages? There’s no way around it: this is your opportunity to stop being such a fucking slob.