What are some fun ways to spice up quarantine with my wife? 

I made a quarantine advent calendar. Each day you open a new door and there’s a different pill. Could be Advil, could be ecstasy. Who knows? Maybe you’ll cure a headache, maybe you’ll rave till dawn! Have fun! 


What do you think of Jada and Will Smith’s relationship after finding out she was with someone else?

Hmmmm…I guess I think they’re mega wealthy and they’ll be just fine. I do however wish someone would use that memory wipe stick from Men In Black on them so we wouldn’t have to hear about it.


Where should I vacation when this is over?

Why wait? Get yourself a few grams of mushrooms, crank up some Pink Floyd and visit the moon! You don’t even need to pack a bag! 


Do you think masks work?

Yes. I know there is a lot of conflicting information out there. Personally, I’d rather get my medical information from an actual doctor rather than take advice from my uncle that wears jean shorts when he swims. That’s just me though. Mask up!


Why is everyone making bread now? Why is this so popular?

Honestly, no idea. Apparently this thing brought out everyone’s inner Panera. Buncha LOAFS, I tell ya!


How did you spend your stimulus check?

I bought stock in toilet paper! I’m fuggin’ rich as hell!!


Is it safe to go camping right now?

Yes! Well, as safe as it’s ever been. I’m currently in the woods and have been since March, living off tic-tacs and dab hits. Other than the occasional fist fight with a local bear (who is a real jerk I might add!), I’ve never felt safer.


Mike Knows Best

Fitness Update: I've Started wearing maternity clothes