Life advice from Denver-based comedian Mike Stanley …

How do I meet women in real life as opposed to online?
-Jason, Denver, Colo.

Ok, strap in … this is gonna be a long one. First of all, you’ve GOT to move out of your mom’s basement and for the love of GOD, stop talking about your sword collection!

 I kid, I kid. Sort of.

 The first step is to work on yourself.  Seriously. Do you have your own apartment? If not, get one. If so, do you make your bed everyday? Do you have a headboard, a bed frame? Or is your mattress on the floor like some kind of child abductor? Your room shouldn’t look like you’re running a kennel.

 What’s your bathroom situation? Does your toilet look like the one from Trainspotting? Is it a pube farm in there? Could they shoot a scene for one of the SAW movies in your shower? These things gross women out. 

 This sounds like “cart-before-the-horse” stuff but I assure you, all of the “game” in the world doesn’t matter if you bring a woman back to your place and you’re using beach towels for drapes.  

 Unless of course you’re moonlighting as a meth chef, and she’s a client, any chance of her coming back for a second visit is pretty slim. But if so, she’s probably just as gross as you, in which case, congrats!  You’ve met your soulmate! May your days of laying in piles of trash together bring you the joy of a thousand raccoons, friend!

 Now, as far as meeting women, my only advice is to leave them alone. I know this sounds counter-productive, but if a woman is interested in you, she’ll let you know.  Chances are, you’re the 700th guy to say something stupid to her today. She’ll lock eyes. She’ll wave you over. She’ll approach you. Things will happen organically.

Go to events that interest you. Concerts, book readings, the gun and knife expo, the Gathering of the Juggalos, your hobbies and points of interest. 

This will immediately give you something to discuss should you end up in conversation. You’ll have commonality right off the bat.  

“Oh, what brings you to the 4th annual ferret auction and chili cook off?”  

“Who me? Well, I wouldn’t miss it for the world!”

“Me too!”

 See! It’s that easy. But …

If none of this works, just be rich or have tacos on you. Women enjoy both of those things.At least, that’s what I’m told. I wouldn’t know. I pay for sex.

Boxers, briefs, commando?

Yes. This is the correct order. Boxers in your youth, briefs through your 30’s. Seeing as I’ll be 40 this month (Aug 17th, feel free to Venmo me money @stanleymike) I’m currently in the commando stage of my life. It’s very freeing and cuts down on laundry.