"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too."
If you're unfamiliar with Mitch Hedberg, he's like that guy at a party who's too high to talk 99 percent of the time, but just when the music quiets down and there's a lull in conversation … he lets loose with some life-altering shit that changes your perspective on life. And he does it in, like, 12 words or less.
On the other hand, if you're a member of his massive and rabid fan base, you know that these flooring one-liners are what he's worshipped for. You also know that Mitch fucking loved drugs. A lot of those drugs are drugs we're way too terrified to do, but one of those drugs is weed. And weed is definitely something we can do (SUCK IT, NEW JERSEY).
So, because Mitch Hedberg is like a really scraggly father figure to us and we love him more than we love breathing, we decided to get high and listen his stand-up. Although he tragically died 10 years ago, his shit is still hilarious and continues to amuse and delight us from beyond the grave with his scathing-yet-simple jokes.
Some of these jokes made us giggle and fidget and cry more than others, and for your convenience, we've ranked them for you below based on how many Doritos we coughed up from LOL activity.
1. "Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read."
2. "I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too."
3. "A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef."
4. "Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having."
5. "My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, but I said 'No… but I want a regular banana later, so yeah.'"
6. "I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was a paperboy. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses … or two dumpsters."
7. "I like escalators, because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. There would never be an 'Escalator Temporarily Out of Order' sign. Only an 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs … Sorry for the Convenience.'"
8. "I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that."
9. "I like rice. Rice is great if you want to eat 2,000 of something."
10. "When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was."
11. "One time a guy handed me a picture, he said 'Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.' Every picture of you is when you were younger."
12. "I hate dreaming. Because when you wanna sleep, you wanna sleep. Dreaming is work, you know? Like, there I am, laying in my comfortable bed in my hotel room. It’s beautiful. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-kart with my ex landlord."
13. "At the end of my letters, I like to write ‘P.S. – this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.’"
14. "Onions make me sad. A lot of people don’t realize that."
15. "This is what my friend said to me, he said 'I think the weather’s trippy.' And I said, 'No, man. It’s not the weather that’s trippy. Perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy.' Then I thought, 'Man, I should have just said … 'Yeah.''"
16. "I like refried beans. That’s why I want to try fried beans. Because maybe they’re just as good and we're wasting time."
17. "I wrote a script and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts. And he read it and he said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to re-write it. I said 'Fuck that, I’ll just make a copy.'"
18. "I opened up a yogurt, it said 'Please try again' because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong."
19. "I’m sick of following my dreams, I’m going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later."
20. "This sign says 'IMPROV,' but I had a bad set on Friday night, so yesterday they put an 'E' on the end of it.
21. "I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others."
22. "Swiss Cheese is a rip-off — it’s the only cheese I can bite into and miss."
23. "I’m a hard act to follow, because when I’m done, I take the microphone with me."
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