In a move that's sure to shatter the sense of self of America's hipsters and creepy drunk uncles, a Russian beverage company has purchased Pabst Blue Ribbon, making the renowned piss-water fully subject to Russian control and politically-motivated trade embargoes. Does this mean your ability to suck down less-than-mediocre beer now depends much less how much spare change you find under your car seat, and much more on grand-scale world events?

In a move that's sure to shatter the sense of self of America's hipsters and creepy drunk uncles, a Russian beverage company has purchased Pabst Blue Ribbon, making the renowned piss-water fully subject to Russian control and politically-motivated trade embargoes.

Does this mean your ability to suck down less-than-mediocre beer now depends much less how much spare change you find under your car seat, and much more on grand-scale world events?

In short, fuck no. It's likely that you'll hardly notice Russia's acquisition of PBR from the ground … where you're laying … because you're wasted. What it does mean, however, is that after it's globally dispersed and consumed, it's rock-hard rep as everyone's fourth or fifth favorite low-cost bargain beer, is over. 

We just hope the mass popularization of PBR doesn't start another Cold War. But if it does, it better be cold. Icy cold, in fact. PBR sucks when it's lukewarm. But PBR's cans shouldn't have any trouble staying frosty in Russia, where the median temperature is something like "fuck" and the annual snowfall reaches levels of up to "fuck" and "fuck."

The company that made the purchase, Oasis, did so for a cool $700 million, which is a testament to the unwavering commitment and countless minimum wage paychecks that were sacrificed by mustachioed fixed-gear riders and Uncle Pete, who is not invited to Thanksgiving this year due to his decision to bring a prostitute to the family's Easter brunch. Oasis has also acquired other Mystery Can Monday beers such as Milwaukee and Colt 45, meaning if you were richer and less cool, you could be more patriotic.

But why the move to the dark side? Well, after years of skyrocketing sales due to its kitsch, "I have no money right now because I spent it on vinyl" appeal, PBR had an off year in 2013 in the US.

The decline in PBR consumption is thought to have occurred due to the country's less shitty economy; you don't buy PBR unless you have to … or unless LCD Soundsystem came back to life and is playing at your house, which is coincidentally also an abandoned train car. Another theory (ours) is that the massive proliferation of affordable. equally-kitsch craft beer has made PBR so, like, last year. 

However, PBR's global popularity rose significantly, prompting the necessary people reconsider their options abroad. Russia just happened to take the bait.

Here's a graph of that in case you can't read. And yes, this is an actual graph someone made.

Word's out about whether the move will be affected by the trade sanctions Russia recently placed on the US and some of its allies. Putin and Friends just imposed a year-long ban on imported food products coming from yours truly in retaliation to President Obama's increased sanctions regarding Russian action in Ukraine. So, since they're already in that kind of a mood, they could very well ban PBR imports as well, assuming they decide to keep production stateside. Because everyone knows PBRr is such a weapon of international trade, LOL <3.

Or, even worse, they could say "No PBR for you!" and halt or limit sales of the stuff just to make whimsical Williamsburg residents with pink hair and asparagus tattoos cry. We mean, PBR limitation is a war crime of its own. But we're pretty sure that if Russia wanted to fuck with us, they wouldn't do it using PBR and Colt 45. That would be a funny skit though.

So, don't worry about the political side of this deal. What you have to worry more about is finding a cheap-ass craft beer that the Russian's can't get their hands on. Until then, there's always Coors.