Like sands through the hourglass, so are the pimples of contemporary culture.

We'll miss each one of you equally … not!


Kanye and Kim Kardashian West’s legacy recently passed unexpectedly while both were sitting high on their proverbial pillars of superiority, looking down on commoners. After suffering from acute inflammation of importance due to continued media exposure, the once-revered celebrities were finally seen completely through by the general public and stripped of their dispensable place in popular culture — replaced by scientists, doctors, teachers and other professionals with actual worth to society. Family will hold funeral services on Complex and TMZ comment threads prior to a private burial.

“Netflix and Chill”

While at home sitting on the couch awaiting the arrival of a 1 am booty-call, the phrase “Netflix and Chill” left the lexicon of young millennials, citing its blatant overuse and claiming “too many parents understand what I actually mean rn.” It leaves behind a family of dying terms including “On Fleek,” “Hipster” and “Turnt” — along with many friends and foes. After serving the Internet for months as a sneaky replacement for the word “sex,” Netflix and Chill left quietly into the empty space of data. It hopes to again make an appearance online in 20 years when Buzzfeed writes a “10 Things we used to say in 2015” clickbait article.

Winter Clothes

Hoodies, pants, knit-caps and other assorted winter attire meant for brisk Colorado seasons are now unnecessary and can be pushed far into the closet for later use. Serving as comfortable wraps around seasonal deformities like muffin tops, FUPAs, beer guts and other fat-banks, cold weather clothes now have no place for public use. The warm garments are survived by mandals, sundresses, cargo shorts and “Suns Out Guns Out” tank tops. Funeral services will not be held, as we can probably expect some sort of blizzard to rip through the state unseasonably late to ruin our lives, as always.