Dubbed Preschool Mastermind, the post-toddler early education experience is a one-month long program that promises to help adults “re-learn the basics and experience the magic of life as it was originally intended.”
Ahh, preschool. Remember that shit? Scheduled naps, excessive playtime, scented markers and being confused about your penis or those around you? That was literally the best time you've ever had, and we'll bet you 12 macaroni paintings and a Capri Sun you wish you could re-live that hedonistic experience.
Well bubba, now you can … assuming you're richer than shit and can tolerate a small group of adults suspended in arrested development for hours on end. That's because a new adult preschool for wealthy hipsters has cropped up in Brooklyn.
Dubbed Preschool Mastermind, the post-toddler early education experience is a one-month long program that promises to help adults “re-learn the basics and experience the magic of life as it was originally intended.”
For between $333 and $999, grown ass people can expect to spend time in class playing games, doing arts and crafts, participating in show-and-tell sessions, going on field trips and completing playsheets, among other activities.
They’ll also have nap time.
In some circles, those types of activities would be what's known as "being unemployed and/or terminally lazy," but … we're not judging (that much).
However, all the class sizes will be tiny (only 10 people per class), so everyone's sure to get a lot of hands-on learning when it comes to making popcorn necklaces, learning to read good and other valuable life lessons like "Don't poop in the alphabet blocks."
Michelle Joni Lapidos, 30, who founded Preschool Mastermind, says she is looking to fill her classroom with “bright-minded” students who are “intent on making play more part of their life.” She's quite qualified for the job, as she has what she describes as “nearly half a degree in Early Childhood Education." Well, that's one way to put your useless college degree to use!
“I wanted to be a preschool teacher for many years, so that is what I originally went to college for!” she wrote. “But then I realized that career path meant being chained to a classroom and told that my butt can’t show… AT ALL. So I switched to Fashion Merchandising.” Okay, so showing you butt is tantamount to career satisfaction, which equals fashion, which equals adult preschool. Okay then!
To apply, all you have to do is have a dad who invented Microsoft (as mentioned above), and fill out an application by hand using crayons whilst having fun.
“Please note, [applications] must be PRINTED and filled out BY HAND,” reads the application instructions. “Think markers, crayons, paint… perhaps this means a trip to the art store — ohh fun! Please read carefully (because this time around, you can read). Most importantly, HAVE FUN with it!”
The program’s first round of students will finalize the inaugural course on Tuesday by bringing two adults of their choice to class with them. The activity is being called “parents day,” and one grown-up kid is reportedly bringing her actual mom and dad, who are no doubt proud to have dropped a G on their 40-year-old's shoelace-tying education.
But, for the rest of us more modestly endowed folks to whom $999 seems like a vast fortune, we'll just stick to free-basing Otter Pops and terrorizing the McDonald's play pen when it comes to reconnecting to the "magic of childhood."
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