You shouldn’t have to spend hours in the liquor store deciding what to bring to your holiday get- together. Take our experienced advice instead.

You shouldn’t have to spend hours in the liquor store deciding what to bring to your holiday get- together. Take our experienced advice instead.

>> Family Holiday Gathering: Wine

You always want to keep your wits about you when around your family, and there’s no better libation that keeps your head on your shoulders than wine. Sure, you’ll be hurting tomorrow

if you indulge too much, but at least you’ll be able to talk intelligently with your family all night instead of turning into a vodka-filled monster before the cookies are even brought out.

>> Your Work Party: Beer

You don’t want to get too wasted at your own work party, because … well, let’s just say that breaking the Xerox machine with your pimply ass isn’t the fast track to upper management. If you bring a six pack, you probably won’t end up getting handsy with the new intern and have to put a new job on your Christmas wish list.

>> Ugly Sweater Party: Whiskey

If you’re dressed up in an itchy sweater depicting Rudolph humping Dasher, you’ll need your skin to go numb as fast as possible. Plus, ugly sweater parties are a necessary evil this season. If you want to forget it as soon as possible, cheap whiskey is the best way to turn your brain into a dropped Etch-a-Sketch.

>> White Elephant Party: Jager

Drinking Jager is just like a white elephant party: You never know what’s going to happen and you’ll regret it the next day. If you’re blitzed on this anise-and-deer’s-blood concoction, you can actually say “thank you” with a straight face when you open up the gently used towel rack James threw in a bag while he munches on the expensive gourmet popcorn you brought.

>> Cookie Party: Dry White Wine

If you find yourself at a cookie party, chances are good you’re with your mom. And there’s nothing old ladies like more than wine. Bringing a dry white will make everyone happy and help cut through the onslaught of sugar you’ll be gorging on. With a cleansed palate, you can scarf as many cookies as the elastic waist of your fat pants will allow.

>> Yuletide Orgy: Peppermint Vodka

Oh, you’ve never been to a Yuletide orgy before? It’s where you dress up as a sexy santa with a bag full of condoms and fuck every consenting being within reach. They’re a lot of fun, and you don’t want to be the shmuck who ruins it all with egg nog. Peppermint vodka will give everyone a nice cool buzz and minty fresh breath, which is something you’ll appreciate in a room full of writhing fornicators.

>> Ullr Party: Fireball

Ullr is the Norse god of winter and if you’re celebrating him, that means you’re outside in the snow. This awful cinnamon whiskey will warm you up so much you won’t realize that your fingers are frostbitten and you’re wearing ski boots without pants.

>> New Year’s Eve Party: Jello Shots

Jello shots are fun, and since the next day is a national holiday, you’ve got a guaranteed day off. So why the fuck not? New Year’s is also a chance to just get messed up and make poor decisions, and with inherent social aspect of jello shots, you can all make bad choices together. You’ll get kissed and hammered all at the same time.

>> New Year's Party: Ecstasy

Because no amount of alcohol drowns makes kissing your boss okay.