His football career may be over, but his life is just beginning …
Last night, Peyton Manning tied a bow on the storybook ending for any athlete’s career by winning the Super Bowl for the Denver Broncos. After his 24-10 victory over the Carolina Kitties, Manning could easily hang up his cleats and ride into the sunset on top. However, in post-game interviews, Manning has continued to sidestep questions about what his future plans are … besides reiterating on several occasions his steadfastness to drink, specifically, “a lot of Budweiser.” So what’s he gonna do now?
Here’s a look at a few prospective career moves:
Take his talents to… Saskatchewan?
Manning is probably too old and fragile for any reasonable NFL owner to take a chance on next season; however, the NFL Lite, aka the Canadian Football League, is hungry for our hand-me-down athletes. If an undersized Flutie can lead the Stampeders to the Grey Cup, some crazy Canuck owner would probably be willing to take a chance on loveable quadragenarian Peyton Manning …
Follow in Snoop Dogg’s footsteps and start his own line of weed products
These days, any celebrity worth their salt has a line of marijuana products. With his Papa John’s partnership, you could argue Peyton's already firmly secured in that business, but instead of just catering to the munchies crowd, he could easily get into the recreational game. Just imagine an OmaHaze, Manning Rolling Pey-pers, Manning Thunder Fuck Kush … we could go on.
We just hope this ends with Eli Manning becoming hopelessly addicted to marijuana and refusing to take the field ever again, deciding instead to spend the rest of his days following Incubus on tour.
Open up a shitty steakhouse/restaurant
Former players/coaches inevitably open up a doomed restaurant that serves shrimp cocktails in the cities they used to play for. Fans flock to these establishments in droves, happily paying $75 for a steak or appetizer platter indistinguishable from something one would find at TGI Friday’s, all because in 1986, that player/coach got them to the semi-finals. Never forget.
Manning’s would be a perfect rival to Elway’s on 1st street. His beef jerky charcuterie plate and Cholula-infused steak tartare are guaranteed to solidify a 3-star Yelp review, and his Touchdown Taco Platter with Pico de Field Goal are sure to pair nicely with the restaurant’s sole beer offering: Budweiser.
Perfect for prom!
Move to Omaha and shamelessly endorse anything and everything for a small fee
Speaking on behalf of anyone who has actually been to Omaha or stepped foot in Nebraska, Omaha blows. Regardless, our boy Peyton loves the damn place. Because of this undying and wholly public adoration, we bet Manning would make a killing from the local endorsement deals. Putting his name and oblong skull on everything from local car washes to radio station billboards could rake in almost as much money as his Broncos contract … money he'll need to out-sell Elway's irresistible sizzling fajita platters.
The next Mile High Mayor?
If professional wrestler, 9/11 ‘truther’ and reptilian Illuminati conspiracy theorist Jesse Ventura was somehow qualified to be the Governor of Minnesota, then Manning has more than a fighting chance. Manning 2018!
Forehead support group counselor
While most people have foreheads, some people have five. Or, in Peyton's case, like … eight. This rare combination of sheer brain mass + receding hairline can be damaging to one's social life, but with a little coaching from someone who's gone through it (this is where Peyton comes in), it's possible to beat this debilitating condition … together.
Designated thrower of tomatoes at Trump rallies
A week or so ago, a kid tried to pelt Donald Trump with tomatoes at one of his rallies. It was a truly inspirational idea, but the kid fell short because he had no arm or aim. When he threw the tomatoes with his puny, weak arms, they didn't even graze Trump's toupee.
Isn't about time we get someone in this position with some experience throwing things? Peyton's recent Super Bowl win more than qualifies him for Trump Tomato Thrower, and with his hunky combination of precision and speed, we can ensure Trump will be reduced to a spicy marinara in no time.
Actually make the "The Darkside" spoof they teased at the ESPYs
Sandra Bullock's quest to collect football players leads her to Peyton Manning, a poor lonely boy with nowhere to go … will they persevere?!
… That, or he could just come back to the Broncos for a victory lap season. You wouldn't see us complaining …
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