You may harbor a lower aerodynamic resistance than before, but we know what you're up to.

Hey there. You.

Yeah, you.

We see you there, with your big, shiny head. It's glistening in the sunlight … glowing in the moonlight.

We can see its smooth surface, the imperfect trapezoidal shape of your skull with all its pores.

We can sense that your aerodynamic resistance must be rather low.

We can imagine the thrilling satisfaction of running our hands over its barren plain, your little shaven micro-hairs grazing our palm as if to say "Help me! Help me!"

You've gone and shaven your head, haven't you.

A hairless cat, only human.

A Tibetan monk; a dangerous British criminal fighting correctional officers as they try to feed him in solitary confinement. You know, like in Bronson.

You're "Smooth" by Santana and Rob Thomas.

It's beautiful.

But know one thing. Your depilated dome does not hide the fact that you shaved your head because you are going bald.

Yes, for it is known.

Thanks to poor genes on your mother's side, you were losing your hair. Large expanses of emptiness opened up on the top of your head as the drain filled with millions your bodily amputees. Go, little hair soldiers. Go to the wet place below, to the sewer, where you shall rise again.

So took control of the situation. You sliced your remaining mane from its substrate with a "Gillette:The Best a Man Can Get!" razor and you really lost your hair.

And now you walk the earth, willing that we, the people, casually accept what happened to your head but no, no.

That last no was a harsh whisper.

Look at yourself. You're 25. The only reason you're shaven is because fate's plan is for you to look like Mr. Clean. You're fooling no one.

And we will not accept your excuses.

Your hair did not miraculously vacate the premises in search of greener pastures overnight.

You did not see a picture of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and think, "Hey, I like that guy's style!"

You did not shed your soft brown locks so that you could also apply sunscreen to your head, because wouldn't that be fun.

You shaved your head because you are balding. You are losing your hair.

So accept it. Embrace the nudity of your cranium. Feel empowered and financially satisfied by how little shampoo you have to buy.

Let hot chicks, or dudes, whatever not judging, rub it and go "Ooo it's so smooth!" with pride.

Throw out your combs. Set your hair gel on fire.

Because you are a beautiful man. Do not let your hair, or the lack thereof, define you.

You are more than your baldness and more than your extensive collection of baseball hats you own to hide it. You are more than the perfect target market for Aveeno's new line of "Head Block." You are more than a man who lost something important to him too early.

You are you.

And if there's anything we know about you, it's probably that while bald, you have a FUCKTON of chest hair. Or, butt hair even. That's always how it works. That's just science.

Hopefully you can find some comfort and solace in that.

Now go rub Vaseline on your head and try to fit it through a small hole, or whatever it is you bald people do.