When we were kids, our mom used to give us sound advice. “Son, never forget that celebrities are drastically different from you. Although they were people at one time, they’ve since traded their humanity in the quest for absurd amounts of vanity, and once this deal with the devil is made, it can never be undone. You may think for a moment that celebrities are people just like you and I, but you’re wrong. The way they put their pants on is drastically different to how you and I do it, and what’s more: their farts don’t even stink. If you ever get a chance to make fun of a celebrity, you should do it, because they have no feelings whatsoever, instead only possessing giant cartoon vaults filled with golden coins a la Scrooge McDuck.”

Anyway, here’s a few predictions for some celebrity deaths we think we’ll see in 2024.


Mitch McConnell:

In the spirit of not being placed on any more watchlists, we’ll be leaving America’s presidents and former presidents out of this article. However, one person that we’re almost certain to see cross over to the great terrarium in the sky is Mitch McConnell.

Actually, we’re pretty sure we watched this guy die twice last year during press conferences anyway. 

At the same time, our girlfriend in high school had this Russian Box Tortoise named Sheldon when we were kids, and that fucker looked just like McConnell. 

The moral of that story is that turtles live for like, a billion years, and we have yet to confirm nor deny whether Mitch McConnell could in fact be a turtle, and if he is in fact a turtle, he could probably keep his little cold-blooded feet kicking well into the next archaeological era. In hindsight maybe he was a bad pick to begin the article with, but we’re way too deep now. 


Bert Kreischer:

Don’t get us wrong, we’re big fans of Bert Kreischer, and we’d certainly miss him more than a wide variety of American politicians such as Mitch McConnell. But between drinking Kool-Aid for breakfast and suspected kidney failure last year, we don’t think people who earn nicknames like “The Machine” get to make it to their mid-50s.


Cybertronic Ghost of Ronald Reagan:

The Cybertronic Ghost of Ronald Regan was created shortly after the former president’s death in 2004, and he’s had a tight grip on the balls of America’s politics ever since. We doubted his existence for a while, but have since come around on believing in him. Between our grandfather’s opinion on the ghostman or the current state of affairs in this country, you can’t really deny that this guy isn’t around to some degree.

While we’re unsure how he exits this Earthly realm, we’re wondering if it may have something to do with a Hoover vacuum strapped to the back of Bill Murray.


Hulk Hogan:

This one pains us the most to write. Between the vernacular of Hulk Hogan and the drinking habits of Stone Cold Steve Austin, the World Wrestling Federation practically made us who we are today. But once again, we’re always a little worried about our friends who made their careers with Hell in a Cell matches and by throwing Mick Foley into thumbtacks.


Hillary Clinton:

“But Rooster,” you say. “We’ve already gone through Mitch McConnell and the Cybertronic Ghost of Ronald Reagan. Are you really going to waste your entire list on politicians?”

And to that we say: Absolutely. It’s not our fault that the proletariat of America continues to elect politicians that were kick starting their careers when the country’s railroads were being built. We think that if this country could collectively decide to stop electing little ghouls and goblins from the Triassic period, we could make a better list next year.

Anyway, for some reason we thought Clinton died back in 2021. Boy, were we wrong. Either way, we don’t think it’s impossible that she could kick the proverbial bucket sometime soon.

If we had to guess why, we’d probably assume that she comes into possession of information that could lead to the arrest of Hillary Clinton before befalling some kind of accident.


Volodymyr Zelensky:

This may seem hugely insensitive to say, but we have a creeping suspicion that the President of Ukraine’s mortality is actually directly correlated to how much Americans give a shit. Although he was going strong in 2023, we can’t help but feel that Zelensky’s timeline is finite, especially now that Taylor Swift is dating Football Man and the attention span for Americans continues to dwindle. 


Matt LeBlanc and/or David Schwimmer:

Because that’s just what Friends do.