Relax, it's just sex. Except what you're doing Taurus, no one knows what that is. 

ARIES (MAR 21 – APR 20):

It’s the time of year when your personal intensity explodes like an overweight water buffalo. You want the hookup, the 4-1-1, the DL, if you can get laid without scaring every human and farm animal away. Being the kinky fucker you are, perhaps you’d best join an underwear club where you get used underwear in the mail for a monthly fee. For a booty call, contact your local Scorpio, who’s always ready to rumble.

TAURUS (APR 21 – MAY 21):

Your idea of romance is rutting in a muddy field with the neighbor’s prize sheep. Try a bit of heavenly, tender courtship first instead of it always being wham-bam and you’re gone. You talk pretty when sex is on the line, but there’s more to it than that, and your “my way or the highway” approach is stupid even for you. If you’re really set on things being nasty, your best bet is a slutty Virgo.

GEMINI (MAY 22 – JUN 21):

As a schizophrenic sapiosexual, you confuse the fuck out of potential mates (because we all know that Geminis only mate, they don’t engage in actual relationships) by running hot or cold when it comes to displays of affection. Your chosen sex partner (read: victim) needs to feel appreciated, whether you care or not. Except other Geminis. Geminis “get” each other, and enjoy psycho, noncommittal encounters more than anyone else. However, there’s the real potential of gaining a stalker if you do.

CANCER (JUN 22 – JUL 22):

You come across as a softshell sweetheart, but deep down you want somebody to ravish you like the cover of a cheap romance novel. You’re never the one to initiate the need for nasty, spank-your-ass fun, so it’s no surprise you rarely get any. Time to drag those leather chaps out of mothballs, find your riding crop and get busy! Your safe word is “More!” Your best connection this month: Pisces. 

LEO (JUL 23 -AUG 21):

In order to make a Lion purr-r-r-r-r-r, talk dirty to them…really dirty. You love having your luxurious mane pulled. You like being on top in every way, so lap up that dirty talk like milk from a bowl. You loathe sharing the spotlight, so finding someone who doesn’t mind celebrating you from foreplay to post-coitus will be a challenge. Gemini is up to the challenge, though, and will even make you a meal afterward before they flee out the front door with your mom’s best silverware.

VIRGO (AUG 22 – SEP 23):

You’re the meticulous, sexy slut of the zodiac, and this month is going to fulfill your every fantasy. You don’t want no stinking relationship, you just want to get fucked in exotic places, like in an alley behind a dumpster. Let’s face it, your so-called relationships are considered raging dumpster fires by pretty much everyone. Want to land a Virgo in bed? Simply pretend you’re in need of help. Virgos are suckers for helping people. Reach out to Sagittarius for a booty call.

LIBRA (SEP 24 – OCT 23):

Romance and seduction are your strong suits, but the down side is you tend to hook up with those who are only in it for the money. Perhaps it’s your method for finding partners that needs work. You’re the reason the phrase “grudge fuck” was invented. Go out and find yourself a crazy Aries who will fuck you seven ways to Sunday, and then come back for more! Just watch that they don’t move in with you once the fun is done.

SCORPIO (OCT 24 – NOV 22):

Let’s face it, you’re the Olympic gold medalist of sex. Anyone who doesn’t feel good and fucked after bedding a Scorpio is probably a Puritan. It’s the getting you into actual bed that’s the problem. You are fickle when it comes to choosing who to have sex with. There’s little rhyme or reason, and you tend to bite the heads off your partner afterward and stash their bodies in the basement so you don’t have to interact with them. We recommend another Scorpio.


You’re the type who likes to make a spectacle out of sex. You call it “playful,” but everyone else calls it, “You fucking freak!” Not everyone likes lit firecrackers shoved up their ass while you play John Phillip Sousa on the stereo at full volume. Try some subtlety why don’t you? For that, you’re better off this month finding yourself a Capricorn or Libra. They’ll want to do it twice and will actually applaud when it’s over.


You seem to like very business-like sex, which is no surprise since you never let your fucking hair down and have fun. When bumping uglies, all you can think about is how much it’s going to cost to get the sheets clean. Then you’re planning next week’s menu and wondering where you left your jar of Spanish Fly. A good date and romp in the hay with a dyed-in-the-wool, spit-on-your-neck, crazy Gemini is the cure.


You will be sexually active until you’re well into triple digits, age-wise. Your goal is to find that one person that can last that long, because they’re out there, somewhere. You prefer romance before hopping into bed, so your best bet is to move cautiously and don’t make any rash decisions. The other option is keeping a suitcase full sex toys handy and call a Pisces.

PISCES (FEB 20- MAR 20):

As the zodiacal master of ghosting, it’s fair to say that hooking up with you is like having no sex at all. You really need to up your game in the bedroom or face the very real possibility that you will never have sex with anyone other than yourself ever again. Your best bet is to find an Aquarius as they don’t mind if you cum-and-go. Just make sure you don’t take their self-esteem with you.