A rapidly spreading toxin found in fish has been causing weeks of severe symptoms in people who contract it, but that’s obviously not why we seduced you into reading this post. You guys ready for this?

 

A rapidly spreading toxin found in fish has been causing weeks of severe symptoms in people who contract it, but that’s obviously not why we seduced you into reading this post. You guys ready for this?

The toxin is transmitted sexually. Just a few seconds of sensual P on V contact can elicit symptoms of food poisoning, giving us all one more reason to double bag our weeners and boycott sushi for the rest of our natural lives. Sigh…just when we thought life couldn’t get any worse.

Oh, and by “symptoms of food poisoning,” we meant neurological and gastrointestinal symptoms that not only last for weeks, but have been reported to come back like acid flashbacks years later if you consume alcohol and caffeine, or ever eat fish again.  The bizarre symptoms include your run-of-the-mill gastrointestinal issues (you’re gonna poop), but also alarming cardiovascular symptoms like quickening or slowing of the heart rate, and a myriad of neurological problems including the sensation your teeth are falling out, paradoxical temperature reversal (hot feels cold and vice versa), hallucinations and painful sex.

Scientists are still working out exactly how the toxin enters the reproductive system, but regardless of how the little bugger enters, it’s ending up in semen. For men, this can cause excruciating ejaculation and genital pain. For women, infected semen that gets deposited in their vagina can cause pain during intercourse, as well as weeks of passive-aggressive communication tactics they’ll use to get back at you for infecting them with fish toxins, you bastard.

The toxin, ciguatera, grows in microalgae on reefs in subtropical areas; think the Caribbean, and India, and makes its way up the food chain into fish like snapper, grouper and barracuda, all which are delicious in a nice taco. Unfortunately for us, it seems that warming ocean temperatures are causing these to toxins flourish. Most cases of the toxic-fish STD are reported by people who traveled to the tropics, but more recently, they’re being reported by pescatarians in Florida, North Carolina, New York, Vermont and Texas. So, just like your ex, this toxin gets around.

So, our expert advice? Stick to cold-water fish like salmon and halibut if you can’t kick seafood, or there’s always Soylent if you’re a soulless millennial clone. Because the only thing worse than experiencing weeks of diarrhea and painful intercourse is trying to explain to your vomiting girlfriend who’s calling out to Jesus and Yoda to take her from this evil place, that you gave her fish toxins with your dick.