… Do they deliver?

All over the world, the restaurant business caters to the male gaze by offering every town, country and unincorporated Native American reservation a food venue featuring busty women serving hot wings and cool beer. You may know these tried-and-true establishments as Hooters, Twin Peaks, the Titled Kilt and that one Chili's across the street from the sorority, you fucking pervert. In the world of reproductive system-themed restaurants, we're pretty covered when it comes to boobs and butt.

But … where are the dick-themed restaurants? Why have we as a society been denied the supreme privilege of male objectification in the presence of pizza, pasta and bottomless pitchers of PBR? Do you even alliterate, bro?

Well, minions, your days of wallowing away in a society where there are no dick-themed restaurants are over, because finally, a restaurant has heard our depraved cries for penis-themed food service. It's called Tallywackers, and it's a cock-centric food place opening next month in Dallas.

Naturally, a staff of "hot young men clad in towels" will be your servers. Good lord, this place is going to blow Casa Bonita out of the pond water on the salmonella scale.

Tallywackers is slated to open in May, and will aim to be an all-inclusive restaurant catering to the needs of straight women, gay men, and anyone else who wants would like to enjoy their spaghetti with a different kind of meatballs. Ha ha, hire us for your next party.

No word yet on what their menu will be like, but we can only hope it includes 37 varieties of hot dogs and at least a couple of banana options.

A battle won, no doubt, but like the actual male member itself, we need to grow and expand in order for maximum success. There will be no rest until there's a Tallywackers on Pearl Street, one in Cherry Creek, and a satellite restaurant in the Rooster office. We're hungry, boys.