Ever wonder what it’s like to collect money shots all day? A lab tech at CryoGam unloads on what it’s like to work with a bunch of one-eyed snake charmers.

Ever wonder what it’s like to collect money shots all day? A lab tech at CryoGam unloads on what it’s like to work with a bunch of one-eyed snake charmers.

What do people think you do all day, and what do you actually do all day?

When people find out where I work, they think that I sit in a lab and play with semen all day. Although I’m a lab technician, the lab component is only one part of my job. I’m also a patient care coordinator, which means a lot of my day consists of normal office work: answering phones, taking orders for donor sperm, checking email, updating our website, and consulting with clients on the phone are just some of the responsibilities I have. Some days, I’m in the lab more often as we may have more appointments that day. Other days, I may not be in the lab at all.

What kind of qualifications do you need for this job?

I have my Master’s in biomedical science and my co-worker has his bachelor’s in biology. A strong science background is extremely helpful as you have to understand the disease mechanisms of the STIs that we screen for, as well as having a strong knowledge base of the male and female reproductive systems. Clients are paying us a lot of money and we better sound like we know what we’re talking about!

Is it awkward sending young men into a room with a cup and a porno?

Ohh, this question. I personally don’t feel awkward, but I know the guys feel really awkward so I try to just be as casual as possible and even throw in some comic relief (if I feel it’s appropriate). I mean, we all know guys (and girls!) masturbate, so what’s the big deal?

What kinds of porn do you provide for them? Magazines? Video?

We have a classy selection of Penthouse, Playboy and sometimes I think the guys use the Internet on their phones as well, which is totally fine.

Do you get to know the donors because they have to come in so often? What are they like?

I see the donors quite often (once a week for up to a year) and I enjoy getting to know them. We’re lucky that our donors are kind and intelligent men.

Do most potential donors know what they’re doing or is there a lot of explaining you have to do?

I would say 99.9% of potential donors have no idea what the process of being an anonymous donor is like or what kind of a commitment it is. Often, men just think they can come in and “donate” a sample and get paid right away. A donor has to be accepted into the program based off FDA regulations before he can continue in the program.

Are there a lot of donors?

A quality donor is very hard to come by, no pun intended. About 85% of donors who apply are denied. The most common reason is that a donor has to have at least some college experience, trade school, be currently enrolled in college or have graduated from college. Another hurdle is location. We have satellite offices in Denver and Boulder so we can expand where we can accept donors from different areas of the state, but it’s still difficult. And finally the health of the donor is obviously a huge contributing factor. Additionally, if a donor gets past the pre-screening questionnaire and begins the program … often times the donor won’t abstain for the recommended time from sexual activity and their specimens turn up unacceptable week after week. Well, now we’re losing money and wasting our time, so we have to retire the donor and incur the financial loss.

How much interaction do you have to have with them?

I work mainly out of the Loveland office so I see those donors on a weekly basis. All we have to do when they come in is ask them a few questions about their health history if anything has changed and then put them in a room with a labeled cup. Generally though, the donors and I will catch up if anything excited happen in our lives or anything. We will definitely have a conversation.

What is the typical donor like?

There really isn’t a typical donor. They can be anywhere from 18 years old to 35 years old. They could already have a family of their own or never want kids. They can be any race and practice whatever religion they choose to. Their physical appearance isn’t so much important as long as they are healthy or within a normal weight range. (Being overweight affects reproductive health.)

Are some men embarrassed when they don’t qualify to be a donor?

I think it depends on what they’re denied for, and personally, I’ve found that I really feel bad sending denial letters to these guys but we have very strict standards to uphold. A few guys have really been offended when they were denied because they didn’t have college experience. I try to explain to them that ultimately we have to have a marketable product and these are things people look for in a donor and it’s nothing personal, but they definitely take it that way.

Do you have to deal with a lot of prank calls?

I get prank calls, voicemails and emails. A lot of jokes about “lending a hand.” One guy put his e-mail as cumdogmillionaire@emailaddress.com on the screening questionnaire — I thought that one was pretty clever. I just laugh it off because I know they win if I get pissed off about it. Most people don’t realize that the majority of clients that we are working with are in serious situations: a man could have just been diagnosed with life-threatening cancer and needs to store before his treatment; a woman over 40 has embryos stored with us and this is her last chance to have a genetically linked baby; a man will be beginning hormone replacement therapy to transition to a female and would like to have her own children in the future. We could deal with all of these scenarios in just one day. But I don’t expect the general population to know that or even understand what it’s like to deal with it daily; I know the pranksters are just too immature to understand that we’re a serious business.

What are people’s reactions when you tell them what you do for a living?

People’s reactions are really priceless, especially men. They’re immediately like, “Oh my God, REALLY? how much could I get paid to whack off?!” My friends especially enjoy telling people we meet when we’re out and seeing their reactions. But for the most part, people are genuinely interested and quite amazed when they realize what a critical role we can play in people’s lives.

What else makes your job unique or awesome that most people don’t realize?

Everyday I hear incredible stories that can break my heart or fill me with so much joy. But regardless of the turn out, I was there doing everything I could to make their dream of having a family into a reality. These people are spending an exorbitant amount of money, time and energy on something that may not even happen, but it is certainly an incredible moment to share with them if or when they do conceive.