There’s no easy way to put this kids, STD rates are on the rise and could be coming to a neighborhood near you.

There’s no easy way to put this kids, STD rates are on the rise and could be coming to a neighborhood near you. The CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) is reporting that for some abhorrent, unexplainable reason, STDs are on the rise with 2014 seeing the highest levels of Chlamydia ever. Don’t worry, rates of Syphilis and Gonorrhea also soared in 2014— pun intended. 

Luckily for you, scientists and horny men are tracking this infestation and plotting the statistics on a colorful graph that represents where you’re most like to catch this itch and scratch. And there’s one area in particular where STDs rates are especially prevalent: the dirty, dirty, dirty South.

That’s right, the South has the country’s highest rates of Chlamydia and Gonorrhea, and the second highest rates of Syphilis — not exactly our idea of southern comfort. Besides the obvious culprits — Lil Wayne, Popeye’s Chicken and Drew Brees — STDs are on the rise in the South for myriad reasons.

Chlamydia

Gonorhea

Syphilis 

First, the South has less money and thus more inadequate health services afforded to them. Unlike your plush doctor’s office with every magazine subscription known to man, Southerners don’t have access to or the money to get tested and treated for STDs like your average suburban teenage orgy master. As you could imagine, that leaves things up to the man above and no one wants to sleep with someone who says God keeps their Syphilis at bay.

Second, Southerners truly enjoy their comfort foods. So much so that they have higher rates of obesity, diabetes and, well, STDs. Maintaining a healthy lifestyle and keeping your penis in your pants always keeps the doctor away.

As to what this means for your next Tinder date? Take a cold shower and go to church. We’re not doctors but we highly recommend avoiding Mardi Gras this insipid February and instead, sticking to bumping uglies in your local community where things are a bit cleaner. But then again, where else can you drink 24 hours a day and receive a permit to host your own parade?