Has anyone else noticed that our roads have become a no man’s land? Anyone? We can’t drive one mile without a transplant, tourist or moron nearly killing us all. Where’s the courtesy, where’s the etiquette? Where is your fucking GPS? There are rules here people, and we didn’t just make them up. So, before we pull all our hair out and commit vehicular homicide, we need to reiterate how you drive in Colorado. If you don’t like it, leave.
1. Sometimes speed limits are just a suggestion
If you want to drive in the left lane on I-70, your speed better not dip below 70mph. If you’re going slower than that in the fast lane, you’re the reason traffic is backed up to the tunnel. If you can’t hang, move over and enjoy the scenery.
2. Each lane has a distinct purpose
The right lane on I-25 is for slow pokes, tourists, and merging vehicles. The middle lane is for regular folks who know where they’re going and want to get there efficiently. The left lane is for the crazy fucks who want to see how fast their cars can go and those who are fed up with the drivers in the middle and right lanes. Get out of their way.
3. Don't be an asshole
Speeding down an empty lane when everyone else is stopped in the other for an accident or roadwork does not ensure your place at the front of the line. There's a special circle of hell for you, and we hope nobody lets you in.
3. The flow of traffic is the speed limit
Traveling speed in on I-25 is between 65-80, unless it’s rush hour then it’s 5-10mph, plan accordingly.
5. Courtesy honks exist
A honk lasting 1-2.5 seconds says, “Excuse me, the light is green. I think we’d all appreciate it if you could mosey on.”
6. Move bitch, get out the way
A honk lasting longer than 2.5 seconds says, “Get the fuck out of my way, or I’ll get out of this car and cut you.”
7. You are not the only person on the road
If you don’t have a care in the world stay in the right lane, other people have places to go.
8. Yellow lights are the most dangerous
When the light is yellow, at least two more cars are going through.
9. Be wary of the colorblind
When the light is red, you should wait for the 3rd car to squeeze through. Yes that guy is a jackass, but he’s going to do it anyway, and accidents take longer to clear up than displaying your middle finger.
10. Utilize your car's standard features
We really like blinkers up here, so you should use them.
11. Driving downtown doesn't have to be that hard
Every street downtown is a one way. Look at a fucking map before you go there so you don’t cut across every lane of traffic to make your turn. Also, believe it or not, the roads are on a grid system. So, after the next street you can safely get in the correct lane and make your turn without killing anyone.
12. Look both ways – Boulder
In Boulder, pedestrians have the right of way and don’t even care that there are tons of metal and gasoline speeding around. Watch out for them.
13. Look both ways – Denver
In Denver, pedestrians have the right of way, but drivers don’t give a fuck so feel free to honk at them if they’re in the street when you have a green light. This rule is suspended after 11pm in LoDo, when the drunks wander into the streets. It’s acceptable to toot your horn and alert them that they are on an actual road not a sidewalk, but lock your doors because someone may try to punch you.
There we go, that isn’t so hard: go fast or get out of the way, pay attention and wave when someone forgives your blunder. We all have to get somewhere, let’s not kill each other doing it.