Okay, we're just going to make this short, sweet, and entertaining as humanely possible, because it appears that boredom, even the highly unlikely kind of boredom you'd get from reading our titillating articles, can literally kill you. Okay, ready? Here we go. Science. Study. Boredom = you're dead, bitch.

Okay, we're just going to make this short, sweet, and entertaining as humanely possible, because it appears that boredom, even the highly unlikely kind of boredom you'd get from reading our titillating articles, can literally kill you. Okay, ready? Here we go. Science. Study. Boredom = you're dead, bitch.

Researchers published a paper in the International Journal of Epidemiology that found people who reported a high degree of boredom were more than twice as likely to die from a cardiovascular incident than people who knew how to keep themselves entertained.  We'd tell you how they figured that out, but it's boring/murderous! You can read about it here if you want to put that tidbit in your knowledge sandwich.

Clearly, it's not boredom itself that's judo chopping people's hearts; instead, people who are bored may be apathetic about finding fun, healthy things to do such as road kill taxidermy or baking penis-shaped cakes. Or, it could be that there's a link between increased boredom and poor physical activity, and therefore boredom and heart attacks, suggesting that bored people should un-bore themselves through physical activity if they want to not die.

Well, this seems about as good a reason as ever to get a jet ski.

Okay now, because we don't want you to die, we thought of a few really stupid exciting things for you to do so you can unbore yourself into living oblivion and skirt death's scaly grasp.

1. Top Chef yourself

Challenge yourself to the ultimate culinary test by choosing three random ingredients in your kitchen and making the most edible dish out of them. Bonus points if it makes you sick; with salmonella, you're never bored. Just dehyrated.

2. Acquire a living thing you have to care for

You know what's not boring? Being responsible for a life. Whether it's a Tamagotchi or a full blown horse baby, there's nothing dull about having to feed, clean, entertain, raise, and nuture something to keep it from dying a terrible death. They don't call parenthood a full-time job for nothing, so keep yourself busy buy poking holes in condoms until your little boredom-buster arrives in about 3/4 of a year. Plants don't count, those things are boring as shit.

3. Thoroughly disappoint somebody

A wonderfully time-consuming activity anyone can do in their free hours is to spend time making up for a grievous disappointment they have caused. Maybe you forget to call your boyfriend for a few days, and have to make it up for him by staging an elaborate flash dance mob to express your deepest apologies. Maybe you don't pay your rent, causing your roommates to kick you out, causing you to have to learn to live off the land and make your own way … which could take years given today's stratified society and current global warming patterns. Whatever you chose, the more earnest you are about making it up to them, the less bored you'll be!

4. Go to WaterWorld

Explanation unnecessary.

5. Become a conspiracy theorist

Nothing takes more brain power than trying to figure out who brought down those towers, or what's under the Denver International Airport. A troglodyte kingdom? An underground city for New World Order members? The deeper you get into conspiracy research, the more conspiracies you uncover. Pretty sure, you're innovating ways to keep Big Brother's prying, unconstitutional eyes off you, hollowing out your A-Bomb bunker, and preparing for the inevitable alien apocalypse with five to seven hours of high intensity numchuck training every day. You can never be bored when you're trying to block the government's mind-reading lasers with aluminum foil hats.

6. Learn a new language

Hola, amingo. Aprendate una idioma nueva y un dia, podiste entender esta oracion.

We hear Spanish is pretty cool.

7. Think of a new color, or what the end of space looks like.

Try it. Just … try it. Hello, endless fun.

8. Interview yourself

Anytime you're alone and bored, remember that there's two of you; you, and yourself. You can ask yourself a whole bunch of illuminating questions like, "Why did Daddy's other family get Christmas presents but we just got a check in the mail?" or, "What would it take for you to lose a few pounds?" Write the interview down on your computer, and when you're done, you'll realize that you have enough material to write a memoir, which, if you know anything about memoirs, need more attention than a boy who just fell down a well and has no one to tell about it except a Border Collie.

So, see? There's a million ways you can entertain yourself into not-death. One of them is by reading as many Rooster articles as you can get your beautiful, strong hands on, but we're not biased or anything.