Wanna get laid? Just send your crush 50,000 eggplant emojis.
Match.com's annual Singles in America survey has come to the titillating conclusion that the more emojis you use, the more sex you have.
The survey, which polled 5,675 (non-Match using) singles whose demographics were representative of the national population according to the U.S. Census, found that using emojis increases your chance of getting laid by a juicy 23 percent.
“It turns out that 54% of emoji users had sex in 2014 compared to 31% of singles who did not,” said Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist at Rutgers University who helped lead the study.
And the more emojis singles used, the more sex they tended to have, as illustrated by Match’s handy emoji-to-intercourse graph:
Holy eggplant emoticon.
And, according to the data, the correlation in banging and banana emojis extended across all age groups as well.
Even more interesting is the fact that women who use kiss-related emojis have an easier time achieving orgasms with a familiar partner. That may be because emoji users cared more about finding partners who consider communication a desirable trait … or it could just be that kiss emojis have a direct energetic line to the vagina. You decide. Either way, if your boyfriend's a floppy disappointment in bed, all you have to do is send him the lip emoji about ten or twelve times a day and you're on your way to Pleasure Town.
The reason emojis are probably helping everyone get laid because they make it easier to read tone in text and emails, place where saying something how you want it to sound is harder than a dick when you send it the guava icon.
“[Emoji users] want to give their texts more personality,” says Fisher. “Here we have a new technology that absolutely jeopardizes your ability to express your emotion… there is no more subtle inflection of the voice … and so we have created another way to express emotions and that is the emoji.”
Plus, emojis say things that you can't with words. It's so much easier to be all …
… then it is to be like, "I have loved you from the moment I saw the right-bend in your dick text three minutes ago and I want to pour lukewarm honey on your balls and lick it off while 'Highway to the Danger Zone' plays but I can't because I'm 63."
And it's not just the kissy-lips, dick-shaped eggplant emojis or the volcano ones that help people e-communicate their horniness. All emojis have an about-equal power to convey your sex-flavored tone to your Match.com fuckboy.
“Emoji users don’t just have more sex, they go on more dates and they are two times more likely to want to get married,” Fisher says. “Sixty-two percent of emoji users want to get married compared to 30% of people who never used an emoji… that’s pretty good.”
It makes sense, no? People who use emojis are probably more communicative than those that don't. They're also arguably more technologically friendly and therefore available for e-fucking, and they might even be funnier, which is the the #1 most fuckable trait of the century.
Well, we just have one thing to say about that …