Each month, we spend a good portion of our time clicking through the vast dumbness of what's out there on the Internet and curating it for your entertainment. Unsurprisingly, we find more than a few stories that stand to go down in history as some of the most WTF. Pray to whatever knowing full well you share the world with people like this.
Dunkin’ Donuts patron tries to pay for coffee with drugs
Richard Bourque, 30, attempted to use a new form of currency when he offered a Dunkin’ Donuts cashier prescription drugs in exchange for his cup of coffee. Although the cashier rejected his offer, the man took the coffee anyway and was later arrested by police. The cashier was visibly distraught at the scene, most likely because she Googled the current value of prescription drugs on the street.
Man sexually assaults neighbor, offers to make it up to her by doing yard work
An 18-year-old Florida man has been charged with three counts of sexual assault after he broke into his neighbor’s home, sexually assaulted her, and then asked the woman if he, “could make this up to her by doing some yard work or by fixing something around her house.” Whoever said chivalry is dead hasn’t been to Florida.
Woman finds scratch on her car with apology note, $40 cash and half a joint
A Colorado woman leaving work one day came out to find a new scratch on her bumper in what appeared to be a hit and run. She then noticed an envelope containing a note saying “Sorry 4 the scratch man,” $40 cash and a half smoked joint. Police are asking for anyone who might know a Colorado resident who smokes weed, carries cash and owns one or more Bob Marley tapestries to contact the station.
Police arrest man with sudden urge to masturbate in car dealership
A man was taken into custody after he was caught masturbating to porn on his phone while in the waiting room at a car dealership, later telling police he had a “sudden urge.” The manager of the dealership was irate, lamenting it’s a known fact all customers must pay for the deluxe upgrade in order to masturbate in the waiting room.
Husband sets himself on fire after losing Packers/Cowboys bet to wife
After losing a bet to his wife — claiming the Green Bay Packers wouldn’t be able to make a comeback win against the Dallas Cowboys — a 27-year-old man proceeded to burn his jersey per the bet terms, although he kept it on, causing severe burns over his body. Luckily, the man’s junk was also severely burned and he won’t be able to procreate.
Man Google’s “how to rob a bank” before robbing bank
A bank robber, new to the game, told police that he Googled “how to rob a bank” before actually robbing a local credit union and making off with stolen cash he claimed was for rent, utilities and a drug binge. After further questioning, the man said it’s no use in arresting him, according to WebMD, his ingrown fingernail is early symptoms of Glioblastoma multiforme.